Victory is on the horizon, comrades. With the inevitable Biden liberation upon us, his millions of supporters are making plans as to how to celebrate such a momentous occasion. Well we are delighted to announce a recent development.
An anonymous source has been in contact our investigative journalists and announced that there has are plans in the works to replace the face of Abraham Lincoln on Mount Rushmore with Joe Biden!
We were able to hold a private phone call interview with this anonymous individual to gain some more information.
Neville: Greetings, comrade! What are your preferred pronouns?
Anonymous: She/Him. I don’t have much time. I fear that Drumpf’s stormtroopers are after me.
Neville: As a journalist I’m all too familiar with risking my life daily to fight the tyranny of the Drumpf regime. Now, do enlighten me, how did you come across this wonderful piece of information?
Anonymous: Well I ju…
Neville: Hello? Hello? Well it seems as though our anonymous source has fallen victim to Drumpf’s evil devotees. I’m literally shaking so hard right now. Oh God they’re probably after me next! Joe Biden please save me I can’t take this anymore!
After recovering in my cry closet for a little over an hour, I was able to continue my journalistic duties of silencing hate speech and fact checking stupid people online.
Regardless, this development is one we should all be celebrating. Why should Abraham Lincoln have a space on Mount Rushmore anyway? After all, bear with me here, he was actually a Republican! Shocker, I know! I thought he was a Democrat the whole time until my cousin’s wife’s girlfriend told me differently.
As we know, ALL Republicans are racist. Yes even Lincoln. He may have freed the slaves but he probably did it because the Democrats at the time were bravely #resisting and protesting and making whatever constituted for hashtags at the time.
Seeing a hero like Joe Biden up there will be a sight to behold. Maybe soon we shall see the likes of AOC or Ilhan Omar or Rashida Tlaib or maybe even that other squad member. Those are faces of courage and strength, not the crusty old white men who did nothing to deserve it. I don’t see them resisting fascism, attending pride parades, or creating gender fluid bathrooms in the history books.
Diversity is our strength. Orange man the absolute worst.
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