Culture

PERSPECTIVES: “I was radicalized by Ben Shapiro”

An open letter of apology

I was young and impressionable. He said boys have a penis. He said girls have a vagina. He said sex is biological, and that biology is not a social construct. He said life begins at conception.

I believed his lies. I repeated his lies.

I lost my job, my dog, and my theyfriend Sharon. (Sharon took the dog.)

I was banned from our local bagel shop and suspended from Twitter.

I woke up one morning to discover that I’d been excommunicated from the Catholic Church.

I was never even a member of the Catholic Church.

I’m better now, but I fear I will never be able to escape this feeling of soul-crushing remorse.

To all of the people I have hurt: I am so, so sorry. I only hope that you will someday find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Especially you, Uncle Maria Loretta. Please give my best to the Mother Superior.

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NPC Contributor

When NPC Daily gets an exceptional submission on the "submit an article page", it's posted from NPC Contributor. Everything on this site is satire.

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