Culture

Target to begin selling “Intersectional couches” in early 2019

"Like a sectional but woke"

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Target, long hailed as “woke AF” by progressives, announced today that they will begin offering “intersectional couches” in January 2019. The design will resemble that of a traditional sectional couch, but will offer what the retailer states are “clearly defined areas for seating people who hail from multiple forms of social stratification.”

“Traditional sectional couches tend to homogenize the seating experience because, unlike humans, they usually are a single color, with no clear delineation of space or boundaries,” explained Target’s spokesperson Gramercy Park. “Our intersectional couch will offer clearly defined boundaries with each section a varying size and color.”

Park says the design will be extremely helpful when it comes to minimizing triggering episodes caused by sitting in a group that includes less woke participants.

Say for instance a white male conservative inexplicably winds up included in a gathering. As we all know, thanks to an inherent sense of entitlement, when seated he would manspread, and take up way more than his fair share of space. Our couch has sections of varying widths so by gently guiding this tone deaf individual to one of the wider sections his ability to bully and dominate by infringing on another’s space would be negated, thereby rendering him powerless.

The design will also offer a safe space for members of marginalized groups and emotionally fragile individuals. For instance, there are two triangle shaped “Comfort Corners” nestled into the unit which are perfect places for the vulnerable to curl up into a ball. Each of these corner nests, and every other section as well, comes equipped with built in warmers. They gently vibrate and offer headphone jacks which play soothing womb sounds for the listener.

“We all know how intersectional gatherings can quickly devolve into some rather heated discussions thanks to the unwoke who insist on injecting logic and reason into the mix,” said Park. “Our intersectional couch offers a safe haven for the less vocal participants to check out for a while. I recently hosted a fete at which resisters almost came to blows after one guest hatefully spewed that there was a slim possibility Kavanaugh was telling the truth. My prototype intersectional couch saved the day by allowing my guests to curl up into balls and listen to womb sounds as they rocked and moaned until the vile offender left in shame.”

And while the unit is a little pricey at $1,995 Target is banking on people selflessly taking the plunge in the interest of their fellow humans, and also for the endless virtue signaling possibilities offered by helping their fellow intersectionalists.

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