World Events

Toblerone now follows Sharia dietary laws

Swiss chocolate giant first to comply, noting "The Muslims are far less angry with us now"

Progressive Swiss Candy Giant Toblerone is now making its popular candy bars under Halal dietary laws, straight from the Koran. That means that a Muslim imam (or imams) must approve the candy making process, and certify that the candy bars are “halal”, which means the candy conforms to the strict Sharia dietary laws, and can therefore be eaten by Muslims.

Every one knows what halal means when it comes to the correct, imam-approved way to prepare meat. In order to be eaten, any animal, such as a cow, chicken, or especially young sheep and goats, must be healthy and living. Then the animal is prepared by slicing its throat, and allowing all the blood to flow out of it (larger, harder to manage animals like cows may be beheaded to save time). This technique takes practice to perfect, and it is recommended that one watch some one who has done this before trying it at home.

We are a European company. Europe will soon be mostly Muslims, and we wanted to comply with their laws before we were told we had to.

The company began having its candy certified by imams in April, but kept it quiet until now to avoid a boycott of the product by the remaining so-called “Original Europeans”. The source further explained, “Not everyone will be 100 per cent happy with this; we have to what we feel is right though.” 

“It’s really not so bad,” candy making employee Nathalee Pon Cleich said. Wearing a burka with her company colors, she went on, “once we learned how to comply with what the mullahs wanted, such as wearing appropriate attire and walking behind them at all times, it became easier for me.” When asked what attire was deemed appropriate for her workplace now that the imams are in control of production, she parroted – “No more dress like whore!”.

The new manufacturing relationship seems to be running without any worker complaints. “They don’t fancy us, really, as we are a bit too old for them,” explained part time factory worker and high school student Nadia pos Clein.

As with any change, there are some who are unwilling to comply. “This totally sucks,” grumbled one mouth-breathing nationalist, who would only identify himself as “Chad”. “It’s like this is their country; I want my country back.” continued the malcontent before he was escorted away by European Military Police.

Just because Europe’s borders are open, we cannot miss a step when it comes to making sure this continental migration is successful, which means being tolerant of our new guests and compliance with Sharia Law. It is only fair.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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