Politics

Democrats push bill to allow Email voting in federal elections

Green New Deal combines climate awareness with more inclusiveness for voters

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We all know that the current system of voting for president and all branches of Congress has produced some bad results. The only real safeguard against complete fascism has been the absentee ballot, which is guaranteed by the Constitution. How many times have you watched your favorite news channel, CNN, MSNBC, PBS or Al Jazeera in horror as the numbers roll in, fearing that yet another state on the map will turn red? All of us have experienced the feeling of literally shaking while we hope that a large enough number of absentee ballots will change the result.

This system of voting has well known flaws, not the least of which is the amount of paper wasted, which cannot be recycled because of republicans wanting to inspect these largely democratic votes. “They (republicans) have been up our ass about this since Bush v Gore in 2000”, explained Broward County Election Manager Brenda Snipes, who has been voice of reason in making sure all votes count in Florida.

READ: Vote manipulation by Brenda Snipes should be praised by Democrats, not vilified

A progressive new bill proposed by House Democrats, part of the Green New Deal, would simplify the voting process by mandating that all votes be cast by email. That’s right, voters will now be able to, and required to vote from their computers, laptops, tablets or smart phones. Voters all over the world will be able to vote simply by writing “Blue” for example, in the subject line, in any language (except Russian, of course.)

The bill drew immediate criticism from the usual naysayers like Mitch McConnell and Baron Trump. “We wouldn’t even know if these voters are real, or real dead people!” complained the change resistant Senator McConnell (R-Kentucky).

Snipes laughed out loud, “If they dead how they gonna vote?”

Brenda Snipes Election Czar

In order to insure that all the email votes count, a committee of volunteers comprised of recently retired government agents will screen all votes, allowing only real votes to be counted. “They have counted votes with a screening process in Latin American countries without any real problems,” explained a retired agent.

Legacy polling stations will still be open on election day, but will close at noon. The old paper ballots will be counted and published, then the e-voting will begin until all votes are counted. “All votes matter!” reads a placard held by Green New Deal activist Noel-Pierre Cook-Holde outside of the branches of Congress. “This bill represents America climbing out of voting’s Stone Age!”, explained Cooke-Holde, barely able to hold back tears.

But expect a fight on the house floor from Cro-Magnon Republicans, who claim email voting could, hypothetically, permit people to vote more than once. To ensure voting integrity, the new position of Federal Election Czar will be funded through the bill, and the experienced Brenda Snipes will be that Czar! “I’ve been through it all with these critics, and have always gotten the job done. This method will be great, we only have to read the color in the subject line, no typos, no spelling errors, no ‘where does that lady live’, etc.

Follow NPC Daily for updates on the struggle to pass this important piece of the Green New Deal.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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