Politics

“I’m quite literally shaking at the thought of that bigotry” NPC Daily exclusive interview with Ilhan Omar

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Because we are committed to total transparency and accountability, we frequently rely on upon democratically-elected representatives of the United States government to bring us the complete and unbiased account of how far America has fallen into Nazism since Donald Trump stole the election.

Now more than ever, must we turn to our morally-astute young leaders for guidance on what is factually correct, particularly in the wake of the alt-right media’s disinformation campaign against Native American folk hero Nathan Phillips.

Mr. Phillips, who was awarded the Medal of Honor and three Purple Hearts during his six tours of Vietnam, fell victim to the smirk of a racist, bigoted Nazi child this past Saturday and was so triggered by the incident that he has since reportedly diagnosed himself with PTSD.

READ: A Trump Supporter Gave Me a Dirty Look, Now I’m In Therapy

Enter the alt-right media, who have since attempted — unsuccessfully — to discredit Mr. Phillips’ account of events, and have even gone so far as to question his military record, a move than did not go over well with his fellow veterans. (Many have since renounced all ties to right-wing politics and declared their support for the #WalkTowardsIt movement.)

In the interest of truth and social justice — and with a degree of persistence that has not been seen Christine Blasey-Ford won over the hearts of all good-thinking Americans with her horrific gang rape narrative — NPC Daily correspondent Neville Percival Croft sat down with Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar and asked her to set the record straight in regard to what really happened between saintly Mr. Phillips and those bigoted Nazi children.


Croft: Good afternoon, Mrs Omar. Great to see you on this fine day.

Omar: As-salamu alaykum, Mr. Croft.

Croft: I must say, you look stunningly brave in that brightly coloured hijab.

Omar: Allah bless you, my child.

Croft: Ok, Mrs. Omar, we have a few questions to ask you but before we start would you like a refreshing soy latte?

Omar: No thank you, it doesn’t look halal to me.

Croft: How about a Toblerone?

Omar: Oh, so you tempt me with this, little haram djinn? Of course I’ll have one.

Croft: So you said that there was more footage of those young Nazis harassing innocent citizens. What exactly did you see?

Omar: The boys were protesting a woman’s right to choose and yelled “It’s not rape if you enjoy it”.

Croft: Oh no, that’s sickening!

Omar: I know. I’m quite literally shaking at the thought of that bigotry.

Croft: Did they oppress any other group before trying to oppress poor Nathan Phillips?

Omar: They were taunting five black men before they surrounded Mr Phillips and led racist chants.

Croft: Deplorable, truly deplorable. My hands are quivering right now. I need a soy latte.

Omar: Trust me, my little haram friend, it gets worse.

Croft: How could it possibly get worse?

Omar: Sandmann’s family hired a right wing PR firm to write his non-apology.

Croft: Good heavens. This is so terrible I just literally can’t even. I hope the rest of 2019 isn’t this triggering.

Omar: Fear not, my child. I shall pray extra hard to Mohammed tonight so he may smite these Nazis.

Croft: Thank you for coming today, Ms. Omar. Have a good day.


NPC Daily once again reaffirms its dedication to accurate reporting and will continue to bring you the truth straight from the lips of our democratically-elected Democratic representatives.

Reference: Tweet from Ilhan Omar

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Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.

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