Written by Neville Percival Croft
It’s no secret that everyone loves the EU – well, except for your increasingly common everyday fascists like the seventeen-million Brexit voters. Top EU figureheads like Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron and Jean-Claude Juncker are beloved, not only in their home nations, but across the globe. Fortunately for Americans, the United States may possibly be joining the EU and therefore get to work with these stunningly-brave leaders of the free world.
NPC Daily journalists traveled to the EU headquarters in Brussels and was permitted to examine a written proposal detailing America’s admittance into the European Union. This is a great call for celebration as the wonderfully-inclusive values of multiculturalism, diversity and mass immigration will be spread to America which may be the key to defeating the Trump regime.
NPC Daily reporters managed to interview fierce European politician Guy Verhofstadt, who is in great favour of a wider Europe.
NPC Daily: Good morning Mr. Verhofstadt. Before we start what are your preferred pronouns?
Verhofstadt: European Union
NPC Daily: Okay, so what do you think about these rumors?
Verhofstadt: Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had wet dreams of America joining the EU. I’m just shaking so hard at the thought of these dreams coming true.
NPC Daily: What would America joining the EU mean for the EU?
Verhofstadt: It would mean more soldiers for the upcoming EU army that my darling Merkel and I have been planning for a while now. The sooner America surrenders its sovereign powers to the EU, the better.
NPC Daily: What would America gain from joining the EU?
Verhofstadt: The chance to change its ways after voting into office that despicable orange nuisance who has been a thorn in the side of my sweet, delectable EU for the past two years.
NPC Daily: Thank you Mr. Verhofstadt. Is there anything else you want to add?
Verhofstadt: We need more Europe!
NPC Daily: So brave.
Not only is the honorable Mr Verhofstadf pleased, but so are the forgotten Remainers who have been forcefully silenced by bigots since Britain announced that it would leave the EU. Many Remainers have taken to the streets of nearly every major British city, declaring that if America is joining then they should stay. Morale has risen and the desire for a second referendum has never been stronger.
NPC Daily reporters asked a local professional protestor on zirs thoughts on the matter.
I’ve been suffering from severe PTSD and TDS ever since 2016 and after hearing these rumours of America joining the EU, it gives me a bit of hope. The British public were too stupid to realise that they were voting the wrong way so I don’t believe that the American people should have a say on joining the EU, especially after they were dumb enough to vote Orange Hitler!
- Natalia Porcupine Crumpetsworth, Remainer and professional protestor since 2016.
As expected, President Trump has vigorously denied these rumors of America joining the EU calling these rumors “false and ridiculous”. However, it is important never to believe a word the President says, as his dinosaur-like views simply do not fit with today’s world. Only NPC Daily can be trusted to deliver the truth and soon enough we may see the prospects of a global Europe coming true.
Neville Percival Croft is a reporter for NPC Daily who loves worshipping the EU, punching Nazis, and indulging xirself in a spot of progressive third-wave feminist poetry.
If a small amount of our regular readers became patrons on Patreon, we'd have enough funding to no longer be dependent on annoying Google ads cluttering your reading space. Will you become a patron for $5 a month?