Culture

Experts link meat and dairy consumption to sexual assault

Are you an accomplice to sexual assault? Read below to find out!

Swagnets

Written by Resistance “R” Personified

Hundreds of underpaid sociology graduates presented a startling discovery yesterday morning that has rocked the internet to its core. The scholars contend that any person who partakes of animal products, especially dairy, is categorically linked to sexual assault and rape. The collaborative research effort ranged from the Obama years to December 2018. The results are more disturbing than one might expect.

Literally everyone knows the sordid tale of dairy extraction methods. If you do not, your parent was most likely a racist, xenophobic, homophobic Trump voter. The story begins with a female cow who is violently inseminated with instruments of torture, usually conducted by a cisgender white male. Impregnation via this horrific raping process allows a cow to constantly produce milk during its fertile years. Newborn calves are callously stripped away from their mother, only to be imprisoned for future veal meat. Meanwhile, the mother cow must endure the humiliation of perpetually leaking teats. Three months after the birthing process, the mother is raped once more, and the deplorable cycle continues. Consequently, anyone who produces, distributes, or partakes of veal or dairy products is essentially guilty of cow rape.

As if rape were not adequately perverse, another sin is disturbingly common in America and around the world (but mostly in America), namely White Nationalism. The aforementioned experts, after hours of analysis at a community college safe-space, also concluded that hamburgers are linked to White Nationalism. Everyone can acknowledge that White Nationalists originated in the South. Most people also agree that hamburger (AKA hamberder, the Alt-Right’s code word and favorite dog whistle) and barbecue consumption is greatest in the South. Therefore, anyone who ingests such atrocities is a bigot of the highest order. Now if you add a slice of cheese to your hamburger, you have officially signed your wretched confession as a White Nationalist AND a rapist.

The fact that McDonald’s still has more locations around the world than the universally revered Starbucks provides a bleak glimpse into the current American landscape stained with immoral conservative principles. Unfortunately, Republican parents are inculcating the minds of their children with positive views regarding the consuming of animal flesh and cow secretions. Donald Trump’s presidency has amplified these bigoted messages, especially in red states, and it is only a matter of time before animal consumption eliminates any chance of a progressive utopia for our posterity.

It is time for progressive change that matters. The term “hamberder” must be terminated! Starbucks must surpass McDonald’s! We must replace all dairy products with alternatives by 2030 before climate change claims our lives! The sacred beverage called “soy latte” has become increasingly associated with the terms morality and wokeness. The transition to dairy alternatives such as soy will not only lead to the abolition of cow rape, but it will also enrich your life with copious amounts of social justice intelligence.

Do not be associated with evil. Begin your journey out of the ravages of racism and rape NOW by instituting a strict vegan diet and by following the vegan-friendly tweets of @SenateWarren Elizabeth Warren. Below is a sample of her audacious 2020 platform.

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R Personified

R Personified is literally the personification of the resistance movement against the unpopular and immoral Donald Trump. R's resisting ability has been greatly amplified over the course of Trump's administration, taking objective journalism to heights the world has never seen in its entire existence. R is a proud vegan and will unabashedly smash any dairy product in sight. He is immensely open and tolerant to anything and anyone, unless you're a homophobic, xenophobic, carnivorous, pouncing, patriarchal, Trump-loving fascist. This entire site is satire.

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