NOTE: THIS IS SATIRE AND IS IN NO WAY CALLING FOR ACTUAL VIOLENCE. NPC DAILY IN NO WAY CONDONES VIOLENCE. THE FOLLOWING IS FICTION AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
Bravery wins wars, we all know that. Progressive democrats have come up with a brave new form of protesting opposition to the Green New Deal: putting their heads and/or mouths over truck exhausts, then having another democratic socialist comrade start up the engine. This is obviously to highlight the dangers of carbon emissions worldwide, and we all know, Trump and his henchmen are responsible for these truck gasses.
I am not willing to sit in my dorm room, literally shaking and afraid to open my shades any more. So when one of my friends on Tumblr gave me the Exhaust Pipe Challenge, I couldn’t accept it fast enough! Each time I do this I get a little better at it, I haven’t burned myself since the first time, now I just get nausea and dizziness, but no worse than, like seeing the orange bad man on MSNBC; the nausea is literally the same!
- Nena Picard-Cherie, a pansexual non binary person of mass, who is a Victims’ Strategies Major at UC Irvine
“We have cautioned students about the dangers of this, but respect their bravery. If they are going to do this anyway, free training in how to safely huff these fumes should be provided by every public university because this form of protest shouldn’t be done without knowledge of the medical consequences. We also offer alternative protest ideas on a strictly voluntary basis.” cautioned Sally-Dave Smythe-Smythe, director of the California chapter of Boiling Water Protest, a wildly popular movement on college campuses.
“Our moral leader is Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and we will do anything to support her, because she is morally right. I follow the countdown ticker on NPC Daily every day to see how much time is left before the world ends since AOC has spelled it right out there for us! I learned on CNN that this is our World War II, and I won’t go down without a fight!”, Robin van Hanken-Smithfield-Hamm, Effeminate Therapy Studies major at the University of Berkeley explained, gazing with brave eyes masked by a sooty face and wearing a pink women’s march hat.
The only thing that can save the world from extinction by Trump now is the Green New Deal. We all feel a little bit warmer every day this winter, and most media weather channels deny this, claiming there have been record cold snaps and even snow, all of which is fake news from people who don’t understand science. Follow NPC Daily for updates on the Exhaust Pipe Challenge, and the Green New Deal, our only hope to become a socialist country with the government in control of everything right away.
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