Written by Neville Percival Croft
Most people would assume that Nazis aren’t very bright people but, however, this is far from the truth. Day by day, far right fascists are getting smarter in their divisive tactics. This year alone, we have witnessed several grave atrocities such as the attempted assassination attempt on the life of brave Native American veteran Nathan Phillips and the far right takeover of the Grammy awards by white supremacist Joy Villa. Now the ruthless fascists have employed another tactic: asking brave resisters if they would like a helicopter ride. Never before have so many innocent, tolerant leftists been forced to undergo intensive therapy.
Sadly, fascists have decided to take the meme into reality and declared “free helicopter rides for commies”. Many unfortunate left wing activists have been the target of rampant attacks including body positivity activist Heather Gemma Montgomery. In this case, poor Heather was tricked into taking a helicopter ride and subsequently pushed into the ocean below. Fortunately, she survived and managed to hold an interview with curious NPC Daily reporters.
NPC Daily: Thank you for coming Heather. What are your preferred pronouns?
Heather: Thanks for having me! I’m unfortunately not very diverse, I’m just a basic privileged white female so she/her.
NPC Daily: Not to worry, you’re a woman of size so it must be very challenging for you to continue to exist in Trump’s America. Now, tell me Heather, what happened to you?
Heather: Oh it was awful! I was going about a protest against doctors discriminating against people of size when a person of unassumed gender in a Native American headdress came up to me. They claimed they was Elizabeth Warren so I nearly exploded with happiness. I thought I met my hero!
NPC Daily: So this fake Elizabeth Warren offered you a helicopter ride?
Heather: Sadly yes, they said that they admired my bravery and asked if I wanted a free helicopter ride. My mobility scooter broke that day after I sat in it for too long, so I had no way back home. I followed fake Elizabeth to the helicopter and that’s when my life flashed before my eyes!
NPC Daily: I hope it doesn’t get too traumatizing, I’m already quite literally shaking at the thought of what’s next.
Heather: The helicopter took a while to take off. I still wonder why. Soon enough we was above the ocean and I was sooooo confused that my brain hurt. That’s when it happened. Fake Elizabeth Warren took off her headdress to reveal a….a….a straight white male! I was so scared. He smirked at me and my heart stopped beating. That’s when he pushed me out of the helicopter into the ocean.
NPC Daily: Sweet Bernie Sanders! That’s terrible! How in the name of all things progressive did you survive to tell the tale?
Heather: Well fortunately for me, a pod of whales was nearby and they took me in as one of their own. I spent a few hours at sea with them and eventually, I made it back to shore. Never before have I felt so afraid. I blame Trump! This is all his fault!
NPC Daily: Yasss queen, so true. There have been several reports of events like this and we’re happy to have been able to interview you Heather. Not often do we get such brave and inspirational individuals like yourself here.
Heather: It’s been a pleasure! Any time you need a beautiful woman of size who’s great at resisting Trump, you know who to call.
NPC Daily: Thanks Heather, your scooter is parked up outside.
These types of horrific incidents have become widespread in Trump’s America. Only by coming out in full force in organised protests can we defeat the Trump regime and restore peace to this nation. This isn’t just an attack on left wing activists, it’s an attack on America, and we know exactly who is behind this devious meme. You guessed it, Russia. Only Putin and his minions are capable of spreading and promoting such insidious acts. This must end, for the sake of our future Socialist utopia.
Diversity is our strength.
Neville Percival Croft is a reporter for NPC Daily who enjoys reading the Communist manifesto, punching Nazis and writing long blogs on Tumblr.