Let’s face it: guns only belong in the hands of the government. All progressives know that. Some republicans and other lunatics think they have a right to own a gun and complain that lawful gun owners do not commit murders. Even if the gun owners are factually, and literally, like, technically correct, conservatives are morally wrong so their facts and evidence don’t matter.
So which Democratic presidential hopeful can get our country completely disarmed the fastest? Here NPC will give our first ever report cards. The right wing’s favorite hate group (the NRA) issues report cards; it is time that NPC Daily issues actually FAIR grades on gun control, based on which candidates will exert the most power over gun confiscation after election.
Note: Our grading system, to be fair, adjusts the grade of all women up (Harris, Warren, Gillibrand) by one-half grade, all people of color (Warren, Beto O’Rourke, Booker) were also given a half grade upward adjustment. Women of color, who are the only people who really are morally right (Warren, Harris), automatically get an A. White men (Biden and any other old white man) were not given a grade. We also did not grade irrelevant candidates like Amy from the Midwest (we can’t remember her name at the time of writing).
Kamala Harris: A+. NPC Daily staff were literally shaking with happiness when we heard Senator Harris’ plan. “We will confiscate every gun in America within one month of Senator Harris’ election. On Day One, Senator Harris will abolish the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution (which currently prevents police from doing their jobs by keeping them out of citizen’s homes). This has been done before in other socialist countries throughout history, and it works every time. We will give everyone 24 hours to bring their guns to a new special federal police agency set up for this job. Any one who doesn’t bring it in voluntarily gets their doors kicked and we take the guns by force. It’s time for this Second Amendment bulls*t to stop.” The legendary Willie Brown, Harris’ former paramour, wholeheartedly endorses the Harris Plan: “She doesn’t f*ck around.”, Brown said with a smile.
Elizabeth Warren: A. Senator Warren brings so much to the table: she is the first professor of color from Harvard, makes totally fun Instagram videos, hates Trump, and has been on a one woman jihad against any corporations she sees. But let’s applaud her ideas on gun control here. She would abolish the Second Amendment: “The Second Amendment was not around when the Buffalo roamed with my people. It was written by white CEO’s who make too much. I will fight for American families!”, echoing her consistently brilliant message.
Beto O’Rourke: B+. Would take away all handguns without repealing any Constitutnal Amendments (“too much work”), and would have cops go through a streamlined warrant process for show: “We have FISA courts all set up man, so we would just bring in one massive gun warrant for everyone. There is no opposition, just a highly paid government lawyer and a judge. Its awesome, my dad was a judge.” Beto challenges the predictable republican excuse that gun owners want to protect themselves at night from people who break in. “Whatever, don’t tell me how it works man. I used to BE a fucking burglar! And I never broke in anywhere armed. Hardly any one in Texas wants guns.”
Michael Bloomberg: B+. Former iron-fisted New York City mayor Bloomberg has not announced yet that he is running. He has a ton of money to spend on advertising, and his own giant media conglomerates, which will make virtue messaging the masses seamless. We gave him a grade, which have been an A+ if he were a woman, person of size, or gay, because of his experience at total control of NYC when he was in power there. He even controlled how much Pepsi citizens could drink while he ran the City. Think how easy it will be for him to destroy every firearm in America! “You can’t walk into a store and buy a gun in New York”, said a passerby, who asked to remain nameless, “and you can’t say anything about it” whispered the source. Bloomberg does not call himself a globalist or a socialist, but he doesn’t have too! His plan to “adjust” Americans is loosely based on Germany’s Enabling Act of 1933: “We don’t need to re-invent the wheel. You don’t need to have a big bonfire to burn the thing (his pet name for “the Constitution”). You just ignore it. Moo hoo hoo hah hah” laughed the tycoon.
Tough, but all-good choices to be morally right and get all guns in America confiscated right after the 2020 election. The Blue Wave will be a socialist wave this time!
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