Culture

Ben Shapiro and other conservatives POUNCE and why that bodes well for 2020

When conservatives POUNCE, liberals go high

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Written by Resistance “R” Personified

Republicans’ transgression of pouncing on the words and actions of liberals has reached epic proportions recently. Ben Shapiro, noted member of the Alt-Right, is no stranger to this hateful ploy. Shapiro has brutally attacked the fresh new faces of the Democratic party — especially Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (whom we lovingly refer to as AOC) and Ilhan Omar — both online and on his podcast for the sins of being too woke and caring too much about Earth. This is not an exaggeration. On the openly racist website The Daily Wire, Shapiro writes that “Democrats have endorsed infanticide … called for an end to fossil fuels, airplanes, and farting cows; and trafficked in open anti-Semitism.”

First, let’s talk about infanticide. Everyone knows that a woman’s choice regarding pregnancy trumps just about anything else you can imagine. This is why having an abortion is NOT immoral; in fact, it is a moral act. It is literally one of the most progressive actions a modern woman can take. Why not extend this holy act past birth? If it is inconvenient for a woman to have a child, or if said woman dislikes the father and would not like to pass on his genes, there could arguably be no problem with infanticide before the sentient age of 8. Upstanding individuals such as Ralph Northam, Peter Singer, Francesca Minerva, and Alberto Giubilini have all voiced enthusiastic support for infanticide.

An infant has no moral status because he is not self-aware.

  • Peter Singer

Shapiro has pounced upon AOC almost every day the past few weeks, mostly about her commitment to the eradication of fossil fuels and farting cows. This is misogyny, plain and simple. Everyone acknowledges the intrinsic evil of anything that pollutes the air. Our utter extinction has been forecast in approximately 12 years if we do not embrace socialism. Shapiro has admitted that he would rather allow this to happen than take money from evil, wealthy billionaires in order to transform our economy and prevent global warming. Shapiro has gone off the deep end on this issue.

AOC – the saving grave of America

Next, we will approach the subject of anti-Semitism. Honestly, what gives Ben Shapiro the authority to speak on matters of racism? He is conservative, and therefore, he is racist. Shapiro has pounced upon Ilhan Omar aggressively of late simply for stating that Jews lobby for American support. Everyone knows the only legitimate source of anti-Semitism is to physically assault or kill a Jew with bigoted feelings in your heart. Consequently, the Holocaust is an accepted gold standard for anti-Semitism.

Ilhan Omar – America’s moral compas

To amplify the indignation of the American populace regarding the topic of pouncing, I consulted world-renowned genius Dr. Barack Wokinsky (pronouns: he/his), who has a Master’s degree and PhD in Pounceology. Wokinsky is also a vegan biracial transsexual, which comfortably propels his words over those of Ben Shapiro on the intersectional ladder.

R: For bigoted or ignorant readers who may not be knowledgeable on the topic, what exactly is Pounceology?

Wokinsky: It is the study of pouncing and its effect on social behavior and policy. Pouncing is a tool of the patriarchy and has been ever since cavemen first pounced upon cavewomen without their consent. Pouncing was a method of putting marginalized groups in their place so that white males would rise to the top. As civilization continued to grow and fester with white men in charge, pouncing slowly evolved from the literal into the figurative form. Although physical pouncing still does occur, figurative pouncing (evident in Ben Shapiro’s attacks) have become much more harmful.

R: What caused you to be interested in this esteemed line of work?

Wokinsky: As a teenager I was always drawn to the National Geographic magazines. I still have many images imprinted in my mind from that period. Anyway, I happened upon a photo of a lion pouncing upon another lion, and my life was forever changed.

R: Interesting. What are your thoughts on the manner in which Ben Shapiro repeatedly pounces upon the fresh faces of the Democratic party, AOC and Ilhan Omar?

Wokinsky: It’s not fair. It just isn’t f-fair.

At this point in the interview, due to excessive righteous sobbing, Dr. Wokinsky was escorted to a designated safe-space room to regain his composure. Unfortunately, we were unable to conclude our interview.

Even though we have established the evils of pouncing, there is a silver lining to all this. Spikes in pouncing numbers over the past couple decades have correlated with Democrats winning elections about 1-2 years after each spike. The latest example occurred during the Great Republican Pouncing of Hillary Clinton in 2016, which resulted in the glorious Blue Wave of 2018 during which Democrats reclaimed the House of Representatives. This year’s pouncing of the Republicans will ensure the rise of voting numbers among non-racist, marginalized groups in 2020, ensuring a Democrat victory. The fresh new Democratic faces will triumph! Trump will be dethroned! You heard it here first on NPC Daily.

Ultimately it is fair to adjudicate that Ben Shapiro and all other conservatives are inherently bigoted, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, pouncing animals who will continuously strive to promulgate the heinous belief system of Donald Trump in furtherance of the patriarchy. Donald Trump is bad. Pouncing is bad.

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R Personified

R Personified is literally the personification of the resistance movement against the unpopular and immoral Donald Trump. R's resisting ability has been greatly amplified over the course of Trump's administration, taking objective journalism to heights the world has never seen in its entire existence. R is a proud vegan and will unabashedly smash any dairy product in sight. He is immensely open and tolerant to anything and anyone, unless you're a homophobic, xenophobic, carnivorous, pouncing, patriarchal, Trump-loving fascist. This entire site is satire.

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