Culture

Brave liberals gathered to guzzle gallons of motor oil to protest fossil fuels

"Just a teaspoon of sugar helps the oil go down"

Written by R Personified

NOTE: THIS IS SATIRE AND IS IN NO WAY CALLING FOR ACTUAL SELF HARM. NPC DAILY IN NO WAY CONDONES THIS BEHAVIOR. THE FOLLOWING IS FICTION AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. IF YOU ACTUALLY DO THIS FOR SOME REASON CALL POISON CONTROL AT (800) 222-1222

In perhaps the most woke display of bravery yet, hundreds of liberals organized a protest of fossil fuels by purchasing motor oil from various auto shops and retail outlets. It commenced in New York City this morning and rapidly spread like wildfire to the west coast. Many stores were sold out within the first hour of the protest. Some courageous souls drank the oil straight from the container. Others consumed the oil on pancakes, fish, and other foods. Their mission? Combating man-made climate change.

Here are a few relevant photos:

Here is Bill Nye the Science Guy:

Here are quotes from brave Trump resisters:

“My chemistry teacher a couple years ago taught me that motor oil is organic, ya know, all that carbon and hydrogen stuff, so like I wasn’t too worried about it harming my body. Mother Earth is all that matters in life, ya know?” -Malyssa Yillano, 22, jobless / trans / POC / immigrant / lesbian / gay / disabled

At first my throat felt like it was on fire, I won’t lie. After a few minutes, my throat went completely numb and it actually went down quite smooth! After passing out, I woke up feeling more invigorated than ever. I’m ready for Phase 2 with gasoline!

  • Jared Michelle, 28, NYU student (famous for selling testicles to support the campaign of Bernie Sanders)

Trump resisters around the globe are applauding this unique protest. There is literally no action too drastic in the fight against Donald Trump and global warming. The wheels are greased, and there is no turning back. It is only a matter of time before fossil fuels are completely eliminated.

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R Personified

R Personified is literally the personification of the resistance movement against the unpopular and immoral Donald Trump. R's resisting ability has been greatly amplified over the course of Trump's administration, taking objective journalism to heights the world has never seen in its entire existence. R is a proud vegan and will unabashedly smash any dairy product in sight. He is immensely open and tolerant to anything and anyone, unless you're a homophobic, xenophobic, carnivorous, pouncing, patriarchal, Trump-loving fascist. This entire site is satire.

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