Politics

NXIVM leader and Clinton donor endorses Joe Biden for President

Bill and Hillary Rodham Applaud Woke Donor

We can all agree on one thing: we are all excited about the Democratic presidential primary. All the choices are excellent and qualified to lead the world. Everyone knows though that the real thought leaders are the most selfless First Couple ever: Bill and Hillary Rodham Clinton!

Keith Raniere, founder of New York City Think Tank NXIVM (sometimes called “Nexium” and a “Sex Cult”), is a longtime donor and associate of the Clintons. Raniere has educated supporters to brand his initials on their vaginas. Of course, Trump has criticized this enthusiasm, ordering prosecutors to arrest Raniere as a “cult leader”.

Mr. Raniere, out on bond, agreed to an exclusive interview with NPC Daily to explain why he, and his followers, will support Joe Biden for President. “Look, you can’t just tell people what to do.” explained Raniere. “Voters must be groomed, like every pet. Once you establish that you are in charge, THEN, they will do as they are told,” shared the top Clinton donor, while tapping my head with a riding crop. “But Joe Biden knows how to groom voters; he can win. And he knows that sexual preferences are all diverse and morally right, including mine,” shared Raniere, while adjusting his ankle bracelet.

“That Keith sure knows how to have him a good time, get some fresh faced young gals involved, and get us a lot of money.” said former President Bill Clinton. “I never would have even thought of that branding shit.” laughed the former Commander-in-Chief.

Trump supporters, known for their negative criticism of enlightened socialists, have tried to smear Mr, Raniere, called by followers “Master”, as a “cult leader”, “human trafficker”, and other racist names, are cringing that Raniere has endorsed Biden for President.

“This sucks that he [Raniere] has made an endorsement. Everyone knows that his followers will do exactly what he tells them, which means they will give Biden a shit-ton of money.” whispered “Sarah H-S”, who asked that her last names not be revealed.

Bambi Spelling, a follower of Raniere, explained to NPC Daily that she had Raniere’s initials branded on her vagina. “These are Vanguard’s initials, where they matter most. I can’t show it to you because Vanguard has not told me to. Vanguard owns my vagina.”

“I like the way Joe Biden reaches out and touches people.” Raniere beamed. “I am supporting Biden for President! Come out to our next meet-and-greet-pizza-party if you want to get involved. Bring money to donate. I’ll give the biggest donor a ball gag autographed by me, all three Clintons, Kevin Spacey, and Joe Biden”, exclaimed Raniere.

“If he says it, you better do it,” whispered Amber 234 (her slave name and number). I was literally overwhelmed by this story and had Joe Biden’s initials branded on my anus.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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