‘Eat it to beat it!’ Campaign cleans up excrement from the streets of San Francisco

A progressive solution to a natural problem

As many know, because of its amazing social policies and low income tax rate, San Francisco has experienced a population boom in the last two decades. However, with explosive growth comes other explosive problems. A lack of housing and an insufficient number of bathrooms to keep up with demand has led to the small issue of excrement being indiscriminately left on city streets.

City leaders have come up with an ingenious solution to this inconvenience. Under the direction of Sandra J. Wernstrom, Professor of Green Nutritional Studies at the California Culinary Academy, the city will be instituting a program called Fecal Farming — a revolutionary concept lauded by fecaltarians the world over for its implications on farm-to-table dining.

“I’m a foodie first, and a problem solver second,” said Wernstrom. “Last Summer, I traveled to India to find myself, and a group of young street children helped introduce me to the delectable world of fecaltarianism.”

Wernstrom went on to explain that not only would the campaign help to beautify the streets of San Francisco, but it would solve many of the problems of inflationary food costs in the city.

“Think about it. It’s a totally free, endless supply of renewable food!” she said excitedly.

According to the “Eat it to Beat It” city beautification campaign, they expect to reduce the rate of street piles by 85% in the first year alone.

“Our eventual goal is to install small rectangular “food banks” in all high transit areas.” Wernstrom elaborated. “They will resemble old-fashioned phone booths but will be opaque for the sake of privacy. People will be on the honor system, but we will encourage our citizens to operate on the same ‘take a penny, leave a penny’ principle that has long been practiced at gas stations and convenience stores.”

With woke campaigns like this now more the rule than the exception, it’s no wonder that many consider San Francisco the most progressive city in the nation.

Picking up a nearby piece of nature’s newest bounty from the sidewalk, Wernstrom took a healthy bite with an appreciative smile.

“It’s not Rice-A-Roni anymore. This is the San Francisco Treat.”

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