Hate Crimes

South Yorkshire resident arrested after SAVAGELY misgendering Michelle Obama

First Lady deadnamed in online hate crime

by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer

A South Yorkshire resident was arrested on Friday after reportedly deadnaming former First Lady Michelle Obama, whom many would argue is still the true First Lady of the United States given the questionable legitimacy of the 2016 presidential election.

(Others have argued that the mantle rightfully belongs to Bill Clinton.)

READ: Why donating to the Clinton Foundation is still the right thing to do

Deadnaming is the act of referring to a person by the name they were given at birth rather than one they have chosen for themselves. Deadnaming is hateful, bigoted, transphobic, and — as part of the ongoing effort to promote free speech on social media — has been against Twitter’s Terms of Service since November 2018.

In a tweet that has since been deleted, Lord Edwin Benedict Percy Buckingham-Cumberbatch III (online alias: @daRedBusPIMP) savagely referred to Mrx. Obama by the name involuntarily assigned to her at birth, then further compounded the offense by intentionally using the improper gender pronoun.

According to police constable Cecil Reginald Hornswallow-Smyth, Lord Buckingham-Cumberbatch has been on South Yorkshire’s Hate Watchlist since September 2018, when the department first began issuing bulletins encouraging residents to report “non-crime hate incidents”.

“We’re just lucky we nabbed this plonker before things turned violent,” Constable Hornswallow-Smyth told NPC Daily correspondent NPC Daily reporter Neville Percival Croft, waxing fondly about the tremendous success of the #HateHurtsSY campaign with regard to identifying criminals before they manage to break any laws.

Frankly, we’d been expecting Lord Bus Pimp Cumberbatch to say something about the Muslims, what with his favourable opinion of Cheddar-Flavoured Corn Puff Hitler. By the hair of the Queen’s knickers, we should’ve known he’d be on about the trannies.

  • Constable Cecil Reginald Hornswallow-Smyth, South Yorkshire Police

Lord Buckingham-Cumberbatch is to be arraigned next week in the court of His Honour Viscount Edmund Ralston-Humphrey Knickerbottom IV, where he is not expected to receive much mercy, as His Honour is extremely active in the LGBTQIA community and reportedly has several gender-nonconforming heirs.

It is not yet clear whether Mrx. Obama has been made aware that she is a victim of targeted harassment, but in a show of support for the First Lady, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Arden donned blackface over the weekend to announce a nationwide ban on gender-specific pronouns.

READ: Why saying “sir” and “ma’am” is intolerant and bigoted and should be classified as hate speech

NPC Daily stands in solidarity with Mrx. Obama and applauds Prime Minister Arden for zir bravery. Gender can be an extremely divisive social construct, which means the path to diversity will ultimately entail eliminating gender altogether. (Or at least eliminating the male gender.)

Diversity is our strength.

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Nigel P. Crustingham

Nigel P. Crustingham was born into white privilege, the son of Marchioness Fionnula Tambling-Goggin (heiress to the immense Pemberton-Trickelbucket fortune) and Count Rutherford Periwinkle Crustingham (rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of former Prime Minister Arthur "Neville" Chamberlain). Raised in the moors by the governess he affectionately dubbed "Aunt Paki", Nigel began advocating on behalf of oppressed minorities at an early age. When he was nine years old he ordered the kitchen staff to prepare a special menu for the black African servants, whom he viewed as the most oppressed. It warmed his heart to see the looks in their eyes when they realized they would be feasted night after night on naught but the ethnic delicacies of their homeland: fried chicken and chitterlings, orange jello and lemon jello. It was then Nigel realized he had discovered his calling. While met with limited success in his attempt to get his father to turn over his personal fortune to the Ugandan government by way of slavery reparations, he did manage to convince his cousin Madeline to follow her heart and elope with that handsome Syrian fellow she'd met online. Initially intent on pursuing a lucrative career in transgender BIPOC studies at the illustrious Oxford University, the groundbreaking investigative reporting of Rachel Maddow prompted Nigel to switch his major to journalism. He came to work for NPC Daily after a brief stint with the BBC, during which he was instrumental in getting Sargon of Akkad (not his real name) and Count Dankula (not a real count) banned from Discord. Nigel dreams of eradicating the middle class to pave the way for a brighter future in which the poors will own nothing and be blissfully happy. Everything on this site is satire.

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