by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer
A South Yorkshire resident was arrested on Friday after reportedly deadnaming former First Lady Michelle Obama, whom many would argue is still the true First Lady of the United States given the questionable legitimacy of the 2016 presidential election.
(Others have argued that the mantle rightfully belongs to Bill Clinton.)
Deadnaming is the act of referring to a person by the name they were given at birth rather than one they have chosen for themselves. Deadnaming is hateful, bigoted, transphobic, and — as part of the ongoing effort to promote free speech on social media — has been against Twitter’s Terms of Service since November 2018.
In a tweet that has since been deleted, Lord Edwin Benedict Percy Buckingham-Cumberbatch III (online alias: @daRedBusPIMP) savagely referred to Mrx. Obama by the name involuntarily assigned to her at birth, then further compounded the offense by intentionally using the improper gender pronoun.
According to police constable Cecil Reginald Hornswallow-Smyth, Lord Buckingham-Cumberbatch has been on South Yorkshire’s Hate Watchlist since September 2018, when the department first began issuing bulletins encouraging residents to report “non-crime hate incidents”.
“We’re just lucky we nabbed this plonker before things turned violent,” Constable Hornswallow-Smyth told NPC Daily correspondent NPC Daily reporter Neville Percival Croft, waxing fondly about the tremendous success of the #HateHurtsSY campaign with regard to identifying criminals before they manage to break any laws.
Frankly, we’d been expecting Lord Bus Pimp Cumberbatch to say something about the Muslims, what with his favourable opinion of Cheddar-Flavoured Corn Puff Hitler. By the hair of the Queen’s knickers, we should’ve known he’d be on about the trannies.
- Constable Cecil Reginald Hornswallow-Smyth, South Yorkshire Police
Lord Buckingham-Cumberbatch is to be arraigned next week in the court of His Honour Viscount Edmund Ralston-Humphrey Knickerbottom IV, where he is not expected to receive much mercy, as His Honour is extremely active in the LGBTQIA community and reportedly has several gender-nonconforming heirs.
It is not yet clear whether Mrx. Obama has been made aware that she is a victim of targeted harassment, but in a show of support for the First Lady, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Arden donned blackface over the weekend to announce a nationwide ban on gender-specific pronouns.
NPC Daily stands in solidarity with Mrx. Obama and applauds Prime Minister Arden for zir bravery. Gender can be an extremely divisive social construct, which means the path to diversity will ultimately entail eliminating gender altogether. (Or at least eliminating the male gender.)
Diversity is our strength.
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