Culture

Michael Jackson was actually a devout racist, here’s why

The truth might surprise you

Written by Neville Percival Croft

As we are all aware of, there has been a heap of allegations against the king of pop Michael Jackson. This has garnered the attention and interest of the world, including the esteemed Thought Police squad of South Yorkshire, who decided to launch their own investigation. Truth be told, the results were horrifying. Their senior detectives discovered a dark, objective fact: Michael Jackson was actually a devout racist. Normally, we discourage the use of facts and prefer to rely solely on feelings, but this case is different due to the unyielding truth it brings.

Leading the charge in this investigation was renowned chief of the Thought Police interrogation unit Greyson Thinknot, who proved invaluable in uncovering this previously hidden proof. I managed to reach out to this brave officer and travelled to the UK for an interview.

Thinknot: Well well well, what’s all this, then?

Croft: Good morning, Officer Thinknot, care for a soy latte before we start?

Thinknot: Cheers for the offer, Neville, but I’ve already had one while I was having my vegan sausage roll on patrol today.

Croft: Now onto the first ques….

Thinknot: Ahem!

Croft: Oh yes, how could I forget! What are are your preferred pronouns?

Thinknot: Ze/Zher. I was worried for a moment then; I was about to call some blokes in for backup and have you arrested.

Croft: Don’t worry, Officer, won’t happen again! Now tell me, how did you discover this evidence?

Thinknot: The zirs from the Thought Police detective unit and I were really digging deep into that cheeky sod’s history when we found out the shocking truth. I was browsing Google images and found pictures of the daft nonce before and after his transition into a…a…a white male…

Croft: Oh no…

Thinknot: That’s when it hit me. Michael Jackson may or may not have fondled the kiddies, but he definitely was 100% a racist little plonker.

Croft: What does this evidence mean to you then, Officer?

Thinknot: Well well well, I suspect that the white male patriarchy had some involvement. I see no reason for an oppressed person of colour to want to transition into their oppressors. We also found something else…

Croft: What exactly?

Thinknot: Jackson only slept with white male children!

Croft: How inconsiderate! This is all the proof I need to know that he was a hideous, repulsive, racist beast! I bet he would have voted for Drumpf if he was still alive!

Thinknot: I even identified as a nine year old white lad for a day and I swear I saw Jackson’s ghost staring at me through the window!

Croft: I…I literally can’t even…I’m shaking…

Thinknot: Hold on a minute, my boy — I’m getting a call…Yes…Yes… Understood… On the way… Sorry, good citizen, but there’s a dangerous old lady wandering the streets waving a nasty British flag. Looks like someone is thinking over the limit!

Croft: So daring, so brave! Is there anything you’d like to say before you go and deal with that wicked old hag?

Thinknot: A naughty think makes a bad stink!

Croft: Thank you, Officer.

The truth was staring us in the face the whole time and we never even realized.

There you have, it folks. The King of Pop was undeniably a racist hate monger who supported the white male patriarchy that held him back for so long.

Keep up with NPC Daily for more of the latest discoveries and breaking news.

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Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.

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