Written by Neville Percival Croft
It is common knowledge that one of the most prevalent issues modern America faces is transphobia. For far too long have narrow-minded, bigoted fascists belittled and harassed persons of trans and quite frankly, not enough is being done about it. Fortunately, change seems to be on the horizon. Recently, a straight, white, cis gendered male by the name of Ralphie Lawrence, has decided to show solidarity with trans struggles by doing the unthinkable: living life without pronouns at all!
This incredibly brave and heroic decision did not go unnoticed. At Ralphie’s college, hundreds of other students are out celebrating this display of courage by doing the very same thing themselves. Now, Ralphie no longer goes by he/him but instead speaks in third person. Very stunning indeed. I knew after hearing of this joyous tale, that I just had to interview Ralphie and he…erm…I mean Ralphie accepted.
Croft: Good morning good zir, care for a soy latte before we get going?
Lawrence: Ralphie Lawrence would love one, but no sugar because it’s white.
Croft: Ok there you are, hot and filled with soy goodness.
Lawrence: My pronouns are Ralphie Lawrence/Ralphie Lawrence
Croft: I’ve never seen such a brave and fierce straight white male before!
Lawrence: Ralphie Lawrence appreciates Neville Percival Croft’s complements, but Ralphie Lawrence is just trying to fight the patriarchy.
Croft: Ok, onto the first question. What was it that convinced you to change your pronouns? Most straight white males are inherently transphobic, so this is pretty much a miracle in my eyes!
Lawrence: Ralphie Lawrence saw the rape culture at Ralphie Lawrence’s campus, like strangers saying “thank you ma’am” to employees at Ralphie Lawrence’s campus!
Croft: Oh the horror! That campus needs shutting down!
Lawrence: Ralphie Lawrence was outraged and Ralphie Lawrence wanted to make a difference, so Ralphie Lawrence asked Ralphie Lawrence’s gender studies teacher what Ralphie Lawrence could do and Ralphie Lawrence’s gender studies teacher came up with Ralphie Lawrence not using pronouns!
Croft: Wow, so stunning. Your gender studies professor sounds like a modern day hero! Have you faced any bigotry regarding this decision?
Lawrence: Ralphie Lawrence has had Ralphie Lawrence’s whole division of lgbtqai+ stop using pronouns, which started good, but now Ralphie Lawrence’s english teacher is failing Ralphie Lawrence’s whole division of lgbtqai+!
Croft: That teacher needs arresting if you ask me. Only a Nazi would fail to keep a log of their student’s pronouns! Now Ralphie, tell me, is this change permanent or will you go back to your hateful male pronouns?
Lawrence: Ralphie Lawrence is going to keep not using pronouns until Donald Trump is impeached! Ralphie Lawrence have to use Donald Trump’s hateful name or else Ralphie Lawrence fail!
Croft: You are the perfect example of how our education system succeeds in raising unique individuals, if only more persons of unassumed gender were like you. Thank you for joining me today Ralphie Lawrence. Is there anything else you want to add before I leave for a soy break?
Lawrence: Ralphie Lawrence would like to add that every straight white male should join Ralphie Lawrence and don’t subcribe to racist PewDiePie!
Croft: So stunning! Have a good day zir.
Lawrence: Neville Percival Croft too, Ralphie Lawrence thanks Neville Percival Croft for letting Ralphie Lawrence get interviewed by Neville Percival Croft!
NPC Daily firmly stands by Ralphie and the bold, defiant decision that Ralphie has undergone. We wish Ralphie the best of luck in Ralphie’s efforts to end the brutal, systemic oppression that people of trans face on a regular basis.
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