2020 ElectionPolitics

How Cory Booker can guarantee that reparations become reality

He's planning his next spartacus moment as we speak

Ever since the defining moment when he boldly stood up and declared, “I am Spartacus!” in front of millions of viewers (all of whom immediately applauded), it has been clear that Cory Booker is leading the charge to overcome slavery. True, it has since been discovered that he is not actually Spartacus, and there has even been speculation by jealous Republicans that the whole episode was brought on by an overdose of his grandmother’s glaucoma medication, but this does not change the fact that he is obviously very woke and brave.

This plucky attitude is just what we need to guide us through the challenge of delivering reparations for slavery, because we can all agree that it is going to be complicated to garnish the wages of dead slave owners. In fact, it’s impossible, but we can’t let that stop us from doing it anyway – and I have 3 tips for Mr. Booker that will help him accomplish these necessary goals (which are entirely altruistic and not related to any possible upcoming elections).

Change Exhumation Legislation

In order to leave no stone unturned, we will need to leave no corpse unearthed. Many wealthy landowners were buried not only in expensive clothing that could now be sold to pay off their debts to society, but often with the deeds to their lands clutched in their rigor-mortisized hands. These deeds could simply be transferred to whomever Mr. Booker deems deserving, immediately giving the land to its rightful owners.

Several cumbersome laws make exhumation of graves a difficult and time-consuming process. The first step Mr. Booker should take is to cut through the red tape that would currently prevent the government from unearthing graves of known slave owners at its wise discretion.

Raise Taxes on People Who Seem Like Their Ancestors Might Have Owned Plantations

As we know from movies such as Gone With the Wind, the Irish were all slave owners. Some uneducated historians would have you believe that many Irish actually WERE slaves, but one need only to watch a few films of the Golden Age of Hollywood to put that erroneous notion to rest. Therefore, anybody with a name such as O’Hara, O’Reilley, or McFly would be assumed to be a descendant of a slave owner and subjected to higher taxes. It has been noted by a Democratic congresswoman that the top tax bracket has previously reached as high as 90%, but clearly we will have to go higher in this case. I suggest Mr. Booker raise it to 100% in order to skip the middleman and streamline the money directly to its rightful recipients.

Invoke More Charming Hollywood Characters

Booker’s use of a famous hero played by Kirk Douglas brought a nation to its feet, and it seems obvious that continuing in this vein would bring more support for him and his ideas. I would suggest perhaps quoting something from his portrayal of Spur in the Man From Snowy River, such as the witty observation, “I haven’t had this much feminine attention in years!” Or if he wanted to go with another Spartacus star, he could use a Tony Curtis line from Some Like It Hot. Many male politicians have recently been rewarded for this type of harmless flirtation with women, and I see no reason why Booker shouldn’t use it to his advantage as well. His charm, together with the purity of this goal, will surely guarantee that his vision of the presidency… er, reparations… becomes reality.

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