Written by Jared Michelle
I would like to introduce myself to our amazingly woke audience (although really, I need no introduction). After gaining instant notoriety for my decision to donate my testicles to support the Bernie Sanders campaign, NPC Daily asked if I would start writing articles. I said yes, of course. Such objective journalisming has never before been seen in the modern world. When one thinks of trustworthy, reliable news sources, one always thinks of NPC Daily first.
NPC Daily was able to secure me an exclusive interview with the famous, bigoted, xenophobic, radical conservative named Ben Shapiro. We met to discuss the following tweet of mine concerning the evils of being pro-Israel in this day and age.
Jared: Do you agree with my meticulously crafted tweet that it’s Islamophobic to be pro-Israel?
Ben: Of course not. That statement doesn’t even make sense. It’s wrong. It’s not fact.
Jared: Well then why is it racist to be a fan of white supremacy?
Ben: You can’t equate the two. Are you sure you’re a reporter?
Jared: Why have you become so popular with today’s youth?
Ben: The answer is simple. I use facts and logic to destroy the liberal argument. Kids like destruction. I promulgate eternal truths that resonate with people.
Jared: You can’t destroy the liberal argument. Feelings and intersectionality are greater than facts. There is no such thing as eternal truth. My truth is fluid, diverse, and woke. Your truth is rigid, bigoted, and hateful. Speaking of hate, how can you justify being pro-Israel in today’s progressive climate?
Ben: What is wrong with liking Israel? Israel has Jews. Our country was founded on Judeo-Christian principles. These morals led to the greatest country and economy in the history of the world! I was inculcated with these morals. My kids will be inculcated with these morals.
Jared: I am literally shaking in my boots right now.
Ben: Figuratively. You are figuratively shaking.
Jared: No, I am LITERALLY shaking.
Ben: Show me evidence of your shaking.
Jared: I literally can’t even. Anyway, you’ve been called Alt-Right; bigot; racist; xenophobe; the list goes on and on. I would ask you to defend yourself, but my employer says to move on to more important topics. When will you stop being pro-Israel?
Jared: How many genders are there?
At this point in the interview, Ben Shapiro was forcibly escorted off the premises. Hopefully he learned a lesson or two. Never mess with the right side of history.
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