Democratic Socialists to sign bill abolishing the popular vote

Green New Deal progressives stand up to centuries of repression

Let’s face it; deep down all Americans want the government to tell us what to do when it comes to the really big decisions. For centuries, though, Americans have just been allowed to pick whoever they want to be their President, even when they do not pick the morally right president. Some narrow-minded voters take into account things like the economy, border security (so-called), and whether they can own guns when making this important decision, ignoring their moral duty to vote for the most progressive candidate available.

A case in point is the last presidential election: on the one hand, universally beloved former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham-Clinton, who pledged as loud as she could to break the glass ceiling for working women, who are almost all unemployed. The glass ceiling was obviously the most important issue for America at that time, but voters ignored it and now look where the economy stands! On the other hand was Donald Trump, who was obsessed about non-progressive ideas like the economy, border security, the first and second amendments to the constitution, and other right-wing notions that are unimportant to a progressive nation.

“Too many people vote with their wallet!” explained Democratic Socialist Party Leader of the House Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “The Green New Deal is like, literally, our World War II, if you are young. We have to take radical action this month or we will all die within a decade, which is like, more or less 12 years. We cannot leave the big decisions, like who will be president, up to the ignorant proletariat any longer. We cannot have another four years of the Orange Man. All millennials support this. That is why I signed this bill to end the popular vote for president, if you will”.


Narrative writers at both major news agencies (MSNBC and CNN) applauded the bill. “It’s a breath of fresh air! This is the millennials’ World War II, and AOC is their John/Jane Wayne, a hero larger than life!” shared an unnamed CNN source. “Our profits should soar, because we can reduce 4,000 jobs from our positive-user-experience department if we don’t have to worry about who wins next time.” added a twitter insider.

“Trump couldn’t give a crap if transgender persons even have a bathroom that they feel comfortable in; not one crap! Yet he won, how? Because some Neaderthal voters think the economy is more important than what bathroom I want to use today? Eeeee!” sobbed a weeping. shaking Caitlyn X, founder of Let Them Shit, a pan-gender cohort advocating for newly developing gender bathroom ideas. “Where I pee will not be otherized!” Caitlyn bravely added.

“Any one who opposes this bill is literally not human and will not get full rations once the Green New Deal really launches. We are just jump-starting America across the bridge to socialism, which takes away the burden of voting from people who really don’t, like really understand what they are supposed to do, if you will.” elaborated AOC.

The popular vote will be ended immediately, and a blue-ribbon panel led by Al Sharpton, Kamala Harris, Corey Booker, AOC, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tliab, and an as yet unnamed gay democratic socialist will choose the next president, which will lead to the morally right choice.

The Green New Deal is unique and diverse. Diversity is our strength.

Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.
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