Politics

BREAKING: Dalai Lama Endorses Beto O’Rourke for President

Tibet's top holy man's endorsement leaves other Democratic Socialists literally shaking

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One hero still wears capes: his holiness the Dalai Lama, the top elected Tibetan holy person. Up until now, he has never endorsed a candidate for President of the United States (ed. note: Lama regularly endorses Massachusetts Senator Ed Markey and Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont in statewide re-elections).

Moments ago, an emissary of the Dalai Lama delivered a message from Tibet, signed by the Dalai Lama, addressed to NPC Daily!

“I am the 14th Dalai Lama, spiritual leader of Tibet! Happiness is Compassion. I endorse d’Kar chung for President! Americans know d’Kar chung as “Beto O’Rourke”, the name his parents gave him. No matter. All people of Tibet will vote now for dKar chung (Beto O’Rourke) by absentee ballot”.

The newsroom was literally shaking. In an epic Skype interview with the Dalai Lama, he (his holiness uses pronouns which balance his spirit animal, who is genderfluid) explained that d’Kar chung means “little white one” in sKyd grong, the language of Tibet. It is a good thing. He seems very passive, which is balanced. He must balance aggressive Orange Man.” explained the Dalai Lama.

After this story broke, five of the 235 Democratic candidates for president dropped out of the race, including the Honorable Nadia Patrice-Cuch, a transgender person of color AND member of the Board of Selectpersons in a small Oregon town, which asked not to be named. “I had a shot until now. I … can’t … even … “

For his part, d’Kar chung was jubilant, but took the time to post an Instagram video in which he joked in good taste: “F–k! I win! And YOUUU all lose” (making the shape of an “L” on his forehead, which means “loser”).

We will all remember where we were when we heard this unexpected breaking news.

Diversity is our strength.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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