Since the beginning of time, cis white males have subjugated and enslaved womyn and persyns of literally every other minority gender. For thousands of years, they perpetuated the vicious lie that there were only two genders, going so far as to destroy all historical evidence to the contrary whenever it has surfaced.
A hoax of such magnitude could only be maintained by a complex system of bureaucracy, which was how the Roman Catholic Church came to be formed, an organization of anti-LGBTQIAP+ Chick-Fil-A fanatics who address one another as “father”.
The word ‘father’ stems from the Greek πάτηρ, meaning “cis male oppressor”. It is also closely related to the German word ‘führer’, which is how the current White House occupant reportedly prefers to be addressed by his children.
Father’s Day dates back to the early days of the Catholic Church (circa 1492 BC) when a Baptist by the name of Minola forced his XX-chromosomed offspring of non-binary gender to undergo conversion therapy at the hands of a patriarch by the name of Petruchio.
Katherine had been a free spirit, feminist, and founding member of Padua Antifa. Ze was hailed throughout the LGBTQIAP+ community as Katherine the Great for zir willingness to #resist the cisnorminativity, white supremacy, and Islamophobia of the status quo. Ze was also a noted anti-vaxxer.
Naturally, Minola was quite distressed to appear a cuck in the eyes of his fellow chauvinists, so when Petruchio offered to marry Katherine purely for the malicious pleasure of oppressing a minority, Minola eagerly accepted.
Day and night Katherine was subjected to Petruchio’s torments, which included speaking to zir in patronizing tones, telling zir what to wear, and a multitude of other microaggressive denials of agency such as mansplaining and refusing to address zir by zir preferred pronouns.
In a final act of humiliation, Petruchio tricked poor Katherine into misgendering a fellow persyn of intersectionality (Vincentio, a demiflux Pisan immigrant of colorgender), which in turn triggered the outrage mob, resulting in the revocation of Katherine’s minority card and zir no longer being welcome at Pride events.
Being ostracized from the LGBTQIAP+ community was more than Katherine could bear, so she finally surrendered her pronouns and submitted herself to a life of marital slavery. Petruchio the Patriarch had won.
Upon hearing the news of his daughter’s unique gender identity being literally erased, Minola rejoiced, forcibly marrying off his younger daughter in celebration. He then proceeded to virtue signal to the other chauvinists by announcing that all of Padua would henceforth celebrate the annual Festival of Taming the Shrew.
The Roman Catholic Church was so pleased by the whole affair that they sent in the Knights of Columbus to slaughter everyone in their sleep, at which point they appropriated the holiday, renaming it Father Guido’s Day in honor of Father Guido, the Patron Saint of Denying a Womxn’s Right to Choose.
(The Pope himself would eventually shorten the name after learning “Guido” was being used as a pejorative against Italian Americans.)
Given the history of Father’s Day and the fact that anyone who celebrates it is clearly a white supremacist, NPC Daily will be working closely with Facebook and the Daily Beast’s Kevin Poulsen to doxx anyone we find celebrating this hateful, misogynistic, transphobic holiday.
Diversity is our strength.