Let’s face it: there has never been a more anticipated television event than the upcoming Democratic Presidential debates, which will be spread over two days. Today the anticipation just got greater, when MSNBC announced that the debates will be run along the lines of the hit series “Survivor”: one candidate will get voted out each night, after the candidate with the best answer to the selected topic receives an immunity idol. Thought leader Rachel Maddow of MSNBC will be hosting the event, which guarantees fairness and objectivity. Maddow will select the best answer and award that night’s immunity idol, which is a bobblehead of President Obama (shown below).
The debates promise to shatter all records for television ratings; this will be bigger than the Super Bowl, the Olympics, and the World Cup combined. Because Democratic Socialists care about everyone’s unique viewpoints and value civil discourse and debate, Party leaders committed to allowing (almost) all candidates the chance to speak, with an equal amount of time allotted to each unique candidate. Only three candidates were not allowed to speak, but we could not remember their names.
The Party has decided that they will not have a “kid’s table”/” grown-up table” format like the Republicans did in 2016, because that is racist and would “otherize” the truly hopeless candidates. “We will make sure everyone is heard; each candidate is diverse and unique, and some are of color. We believe in open dialogue where all viewpoints are valued”, revealed a Party insider. “What Trump did to the really weak candidates last time was, like, I can’t even breathe…”
Instead, the Democrats will spread the important candidates, and mix in irrelevant ones, over both nights, which promises to make both nights of debates more unique and meaningful. “Yeah, we are not going to have Joe and Bernie on the same stage with the four senators of color (Warren, O’Rourke, Harris and Booker), because one of them will obviously win. Instead we will split them evenly and make sure there are 7 or 8 “Gillibrand-types” who don’t have a snowball’s chance of winning but insist on a few minutes of national coverage. If one of the two nights’ lineup looks super weak, we can balance it out by adding a gay candidate to that night”, revealed a Democrat organizer.
All 20 candidates are unique and diverse, each with their own individual positions on how to lead the nation.
The first immunity challenge will focus on gun control. Here are some examples of unique candidate positions on gun control; as you will see, it is hard to pick the best answer:
Elizabeth Warren: “My people lived in this land for thousands of moons before the white man brought guns to our lands. My great (times 1,024) Uncle Sachem attended the first Thanksgiving. He gave the white man maize and frozen oyster crepes, but the white man shot him in the face. Guns are bad and I will take every one of them away. Trump must go to prison for this.”
Corey Booker: “I’ll go door to door and just take all their (right wing Americans’) guns. Then I’d put Trump in jail. Orange man bad.”
Kamala Harris: “I will make them turn their guns in to the federal police. If they refuse, I’ll have the police kick their doors in and take them away. Then I’ll arrest Trump and lock him up. Orange man bad.”
Beto O’Rourke: “I am really cool and good looking, and I say the F word on TV. I am sorry I grew up with white privilege. I would make up for it by taking all guns out of American homes; Texans hate guns. Then I would impeach and jail bad orange man. Like, I would totally do that.”
Peter Buttjudge: “Guns are bad. I will have them all seized and destroyed the day after I am elected. Orange man bad.”
Eric Swallowall: “Guns bad; Trump bad. Seize guns, imprison Trump.”
(Leading candidate Joe Biden could not be reached as he had tickets to a Wiggles concert).
It will be exciting to see which of these unique ideas appeals to Democratic Socialist voters the most.
Up next: the candidates discuss whether a racist border wall should be built, which separates children from their families and cages them.
Diversity is our strength.
If a small amount of our regular readers became subscribers on Subscribestar, we'd have enough funding to no longer be dependent on annoying Google ads cluttering your reading space and we will be protected against deplatforming. Will you subscribe on Subscribestar?