Exclusive interview with Joe Biden reveals his plan to defeat Trump

America will no doubt be safe in his hands.

Written by Neville Percival Croft

It’s basically fact already that the Democratic debates were a shining beacon of hope in the dark times we live in. Each and every candidate impressed us greatly. From Tim Ryan’s captivating personality to Marianne Williamson’s genius idea to defeat Trump with the power of love, we have the utmost confidence that Trump is incapable of winning 2020.

Arguably the candidate who captured the heart of America the most was none other than the daring and defiant Joe Biden. His energy and enthusiasm spellbound many of the unique individuals here at the NPC Daily headquarters and so we decided to invite him for an exclusive interview. Thankfully, he accepted and joined me for a refreshing soy latte.

America’s Winston Churchill, a hero ready to defeat the Nazi in the White House.

Croft: Good afternoon Mr. Biden, what are your preferred pronouns?

Biden: Excuse me?

Croft: You know, like he, she, xir and so on.

Biden: I’m a he so he.

Croft: A bit generic but okay. Aren’t you going to ask mine?

Biden: Can we get a move on, the ice cream in my van is going to melt.

Croft: Yes yes if course Mr. Biden. First of all, how are you going to beat that nasty orange menace?

Biden: I’m a lot more hands on with the issues than Trump. He likes to wait for a bit before tackling the problems but I like to snatch them while they’re young.

Croft: Good thinking Mr. Biden. How are you going to go about with the border issue and the foreign born Americans?

Biden: I think we should sniff out the illegals before we take any hasty action. If everything smells good I say we let them pass.

Croft: Did you just call them “illegal”? I’ll have you know Mr. Biden that no human is illegal!

Biden: Oh sorry, my mistake. Next question if you don’t mind.

Croft: How would you try and solve the issue of climate change. We only have 12 years after all.

Biden: This is an issue that we need to touch up head on. As Obama’s best friend, and I have my friendship necklace to prove it, I know what’s best and a Biden administration would definitely know what to do. We’d enlist the aid of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and seek her wisdom.

Croft: Now that is a plan! Now tell me, what will you do about gun control?

Biden: Well first of all we need to grab these guns and give them a few hugs, tugs and squeezes and see if they check out. Trust me, I get it. Elect me and gun control won’t even be an issue anymore.

Croft: Thank you Mr Biden for your time. I wish you all the best in your endeavours against Trump and his evil forces.

Biden: Thanks whatever your name is. Mind if I get a bit of that intoxicating fragrance from your hair? It’s just that I haven’t gotten a chance to smell purple hair yet.

Croft: But what about your ice cream?

Biden: Oh no! I completely forgot, the children need me! As my friend Beto would say, adiós!

As you can see clear as day, Joe Biden gets it. He understands the issues we face like no other and his hands on approach will surely prove brilliant in the long run. We here at the NPC Daily headquarters are ready to donate our kidneys, blood and hair to the Biden campaign so that his amazing campaign gets the traction it deserves.

Diversity is our strength.

Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.
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