Greetings comrades, Neville Percival Croft here to announce the Ask Neville column of NPC Daily. Viewers can submit their own questions and I will answer some of them as inoffensively as possible here in this column for all you lovely zirs to see each weekend. Questions can be about a range of topics including relationships, ettiquette and, my personal favourite, #resisting. Without further ado, let’s get on with the first set of questions!
“How do I explain to my wife and her main boyfriend that I feel like I’m being excluded from the bedroom?”
First of all, you sit down your wife’s boyfriend and raise your concerns to him. If your wife’s boyfriend identifies as a minority group then you must listen to and obey everything he (or other inclusive pronoun) demands. However, you cannot raise this issue to your wife. That would be mansplaining, a horrific offense that your inner toxic masculinity subconsciously tries to commit. I suggest reading my new novel ‘Polygamy 101: How to support your person of vagina in the bedroom’. The Krassensteins are also a great source of information on effective polygamy.
“Hi Neville! I’ve found myself stood in front of POCs in lines and I don’t know how to be more inclusive around them. Any advice?”
Often when I find myself in a queue behind a POC, or any minority person for that matter, I try to conjure up the most inclusive ways to accommodate them in this oppressive world. During my lunch times at the British NPC Daily headquarters, I always let the minority employees cut in the queue for lunch. This often means I don’t get a lunch, but it’s worth it. I like to think of it as a form of reparations.
“Resisting Drumpf is tiring and hard. What do you recommend I do to keep energized in Trump’s America?”
When I protested against the bad orange man’s horrendous visit, I was sure to consume as many soy lattes as possible. I highly recommend avocado or pumpkin spice soy lattes. They have a little extra woke goodness infused within the soy to give you little extra boosts of energy that you’ll need to stay sane in Trump’s America. Don’t forget to carry a safe space pet around with you little a cat or a rabbit to cuddle. That way every time a MAGA hat wearing fascist tries to belittle you, you can hold onto your animal companion for safety.
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