Written by Neville Percival Croft
Let’s face it, the 4th of July is an inherently racist celebration. For far too long, bigoted Americans celebrated this hateful, divisive and sinister holiday, consequently making many innocent British persyns uncomfortable and fearful for their lives.
NPC Daily analysts have found that hate crimes skyrocket every 4th of July by roughly 150%. Many of those targeted are foreign born Americans who just so happen to be born in Britain, including my cousin Lindsey Croft who was viciously assaulted last 4th of July by MAGA hat wearing lunatics.
Oh it was awful, the literal Nazi came up to me and asked where I was from. I was terrified for my life and so I muttered the first country that came to my head: Russia. Most MAGA fascists would have fallen for it but this one was smarter than most. He knew I was British by my accent and called for backup. Th-then they started mocking me and flew that hateful American flag in my face. With no options left, I threw my avocado soy milkshake at them and ran for it. I barely escaped with my life, th-this is not okay!
- Lindsey Croft, persyn of British and professional progressive activist
Fortunately the assailants were swiftly arrested by the local thought police division and sentenced to jail. However, this doesn’t negate the fact that thousands of persyns of British are forced to endure this horrific celebration, and many struggle to survive the dreadful hate crimes flung at them at the hands of MAGA Nazis. A lot of our own British employees have locked themselves in their safe spaces for protection against all this American treachery.
NPC Daily is opening up our headquarters for the day to any British refugees in need of protection on this horrible day. Our cry closet facilities have been improved to fit more people so we should hopefully fit as many zirs as possible. Reporters Quinn and Pepe Johnson will also be hosting CNN broadcasts at the soy buffet all day. America is still the racist, sexist and Pommyphobic country it always was and there seems to be no sign of change.
Here’s a happy picture of future president Tim Ryan to keep us sane.
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