What do I do if I’m allergic to soy? Can I still be woke? Ask Neville

Have a question or need something cleared up about your progressive liberal lifestyle? Click HERE to Ask Neville and your question could be answered in the next Ask Neville column! The following are the answers to last week’s questions.

I love the new question and answer format! I’m a person of size, and I can’t seem to find a black bandana that will fit around my head so I can join Antifa in Portland to fight fascism. What do you say Commander? Progressive in Portland

My deepest condolences fellow progressive. Fighting fascism is not an easy task, especially without a bandana to strike fear into the hearts of the Nazi Drumpf bigots. I would recommend taking a communist flag and wrapping it around your face. If you don’t have a communist flag readily available, then I recommend wearing a hockey mask to show the fascists that you mean business. Don’t get too worked up over the bandana,though. A fierce resister needs only zirs stunning brave and a soy latte to fight fascism.

What do I do if I’m allergic to soy? Can I still be woke?

I can’t begin to fathom that kind of hell. Soy is the lifeblood of all resisters, and not being able to enjoy such a delicacy would be horrific. If you’re allergic to soy, I suggest getting your necessary woke energy from other sources such as tofu or vegan sausage rolls. That way you will retain your inner wokeness. Being woke isn’t easy, especially with the orange monster trying to get us all, but soy is the light in the dark.

What is the best thing I can do to be supportive and inclusive of the Latinx community in my work life? (I’m a lifeguard.)

First and foremost, you should follow the example of the stunningly brave Beto O’Rourke and speak Spanish whenever possible to whomever possible. You should also keep your eyes fixed on the Latinx persyns in the pool at all times. Not doing so wouldn’t be very inclusive. Also be very careful not to misgender or body shame any of them; that would be mind rape.

Dear Commander. Firstly, thank you for your service. My family and I have voluntarily caged ourselves and have been sharing a bowl of toilet water in support of the immigrants that Trump has caged in the concentration camps. Our question is whether these new Americans have access to Yucca and Potatoes? We want to eat the same food as they do if possible. Thank you, Commander! Socialists in San Francisco.

-I’m crying tears of soy right now. My body is shaking so hard at your display of heroism in the ugly orange face of injustice. Regarding my question, I’ve heard from economic mastermind and climate genius Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that the poor, unfortunate undocumented Americans aren’t even given Yucca or potatoes! Apparently they are made to eat Cheetos! Yet another evil mind game played by Combover Caligula. Stay strong, fellow socialists, and never stop resisting!

Have a question? Click HERE to Ask Neville and your question could be answered in the next Ask Neville column!

Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.
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