What must I do to rid myself of my former colonial-patriarchal privilege? Ask Neville

Have a question or need something cleared up about your progressive liberal lifestyle? Click HERE to Ask Neville and your question could be answered in the next Ask Neville column! The following are the answers to last week’s questions.

Dear Neville, I would like to know if there is some sort of filter I can use so that I don’t see tweets from white people or Republicans. I know Google, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter do a great job at getting rid of most of their bigoted comments, but every now and again they invade my safe space and make me shake and cry. Any thoughts welcome. Literally shaking in LA.

The feeling of dread that occurs when one’s safe space is invaded by Nazis is something I’m all too familiar with. Unfortunately, I don’t have any sort of filter myself so I can’t recommend one to you. Usually I just automatically block and report any person of Republican without a second thought. It tends to work and consequently my feed is filled with progressive, unique and individual voices.

Zi was a hetero-rapist white male before Zi transitioned to a polymorphus attack helicopter and Zi identify as a female (lacking a 30mm cannon). What must I do to rid myself of my former colonial-patriarchal privilege?

This level of bravery and courage is simply stunning. I’m tempted to say that your past privilege has been completely eradicated. However, that is simply not the truth. Thankfully the knowledge I’ve picked up from years of studying feminist literature, gender identity theory and intersectional dance lessons will explain all. There is a very miniscule tad of it left in your body, so I would recommend giving reparations to any persyn of colour you meet. That should eliminate the remnant of the privilege hopefully. If that doesn’t work then seek emergency soy therapy.

I think my wife’s boyfriend might be a Trump supporter. This has caused me to resent him when I watch him make love to her. I can’t stop her seeing him, because she might divorce me and I won’t have access to her food stamps anymore. What should I do?

First of all, I’m going to send some thoughts, prayers and positive energy to you as you struggle through this horrific ordeal. Try sitting your wife down and discussing it with her, without mansplaining of course. If that doesn’t work, then you need to go to drastic measures. Sprinkle some soy into her boyfriend’s drinks and ensure that he is around when you play some soothing MSNBC broadcasts. Eventually you’ll notice a change in his hateful behaviour, and hopefully he’ll discard his previous hateful lifestyle. This technique should work and you’ll be peacefully watching him have sex with her again in no time!

Dear Commander, I’m running for President, so I’m sure you’ll appreciate my need for anonymity. I’ve noticed that congressperson of color Rashida Tlaib is whiter than me. Can I use that as basis to call myself a “womyn of color”? Liz in Boston.

Congratulations on running for President and I wish you good luck on your noble quest. I completely understand your need for anonymity, especially with Drumpf’s minions out there trying to silence all who oppose him. Regarding the question, the answer is yes. However if you are still unsure then I would follow in the footsteps of another brave congressperson of colour: the fierce Elizabeth Warren (she fights for working families). Despite only a fraction of her blood being Native American, she has fully embraced her rich heritage for many moons now. If ever you need some good publicity for your campaign, Liz then NPC Daily is here to help a fellow progressive in need. We will always vote blue no matter who!

Have a question? Click HERE to Ask Neville and your question could be answered in the next Ask Neville column!

Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.
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