Culture

New research reveals that Jesus was indeed a homosexual

The Messiah was closer to his disciples than one would be else to believe

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Written by Neville Percival Croft

A remarkable new discovery has been made recently which is sure to shatter history as we know it. Jesus Christ is arguably one of the most influential and important figures in history, and now he has become an LGBTQIA+ icon. This came to be after a team of progressive history researchers uncovered evidence that the Messiah himself was actually a homosexual and, of course, this is something to celebrate.

This news came to be after renowned Professor Nelson Phoenix Caldwell PhD and zirs team ventured to Jerusalem in order to seek the truth behind Jesus’ sexuality. It was after intense research into the relationship between Jesus and his disciples that the genius Professor came to this conclusion.

There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus was indeed a homosexual. Fortunately, the Gender Studies department at the local university stepped in to lend a hand and we learnt that Jesus Christ was polygamous with his disciples, although it is evident that Peter was his favourite boyfriend. We also discovered that Judas betrayed Jesus after latter dumped him because of a miracle that went wrong.

  • Professor Nelson Phoenix Caldwell PhD, progressive history researcher.

Consequently, Jesus has been paraded as figurehead for the LGBTQIA+ community and a symbol of resistance against tyranny. Rainbow covered paintings and statues of gay Jesus have been made in enormous amounts and now proud resisters have been dressing up as him during their daily protests. If this doesn’t make Trump literally tremble with fear nothing will.

The best part is that this has impacted the vile and twisted MAGA bigots the most. Many of them foamed at the mouth and began angrily complaining online. This gives us even more reason to suspect that if Jesus was alive today, he would vote blue no matter who and personally lead the charge against the devious plans set in motion by the corrupt, orange menace.

Diversity is our strength.

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Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.

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