We all are aware of just how heroic and formidable our Antifa comrades are. Each day, they spend hours tirelessly resisting online, and occasionally outside of their basements, to show the world that Trump’s violent rhetoric will not prevail. Many wonder just what motivates these modern day Spartans to go out and do what they do. Well fortunately, dear reader, we have just the person to answer that. Senior spokesperson for the Antifa pansexual division, Tristan Soysworth has agreed to hold an interview so that we may understand what it’s like to resist for Antifa.
Croft: Greetings comrade, I say it’s a true honor to hold this meeting with you. Care for a Starbucks latte before we begin?
Tristan: Point of personal privilege! Point of personal privilege!
Tristan: You forgot to ask for my pronouns! I’m starting to think that NPC Daily night not be a legitimate news source. After all, what interviewer doesn’t ask the person of unassumed gender identity that they’re interviewing for their pronouns!?
Croft: Good heavens, I’m so sorry! What are your pronouns, comrade?
Croft: Yas queen #metoo! Onto the fir-
Tristan: Point of personal privilege!
Croft: Yes, Tristan?
Tristan: I can’t do this interview if you’re going to use gendered language! Words like “queen” are deeply condescending to people reading who exist outside of the gender binary.
Croft: Don’t worry, won’t happen again. So how did you join Antifa?
Tristan: I had just started college in 2016 and was studying women’s history. My theyfriend at the time was a devout feminist and threatened to leave me for zirs tertiary boyfriend if I didn’t join zirs college course. Over time, I realized how just how privileged I was. My theyfriend was right the whole time, I know this because my professor said so!
Croft: Fascinating, then what happened?
Tristan: I knew I had to do something. Firstly, I decided to listen more to my theyfriend and heeded zirs advice for me to transition into a pansexual, so I could join zir in the Antifa pansexual division. Eventually I peacefully smashed enough windows to become a senior spokesperson.
Croft: What exactly do you do then as a senior spokesperson?
Tristan: Well I usually just try and make speeches but they always get cut short because the newer comrades aren’t always familiar with the correct, non-triggering language to use.
Croft: Do you do anything else besides speeches?
Tristan: Every now and again I’ll go out and peacefully protest Trump, typically by smacking the Trumpler youth with my favorite crowbar. I call her Hillary because it’s always her turn to swing at the fascists.
Croft: Hold on a second, how do you know Hillary identifies as a “her”?
Tristan: I… erm… I… I can’t even right now… I’m trying to save America and you repay my efforts by mind raping me! That’s it, I’m leaving. You better watch your precious headquarters closely because I’m alerting the persons of size division about this!
Croft: Wait Tristan come back! I didn’t even get to ask what your favourite soy based beverage was!
Sadly the interview proved inconclusive. Tristan had a very serious sensory overload and started shaking uncontrollably on the floor. He was taken away by ambulance to an emergency safe space. We hope that his words of wisdom shed light into just how courageous Antifa activists truly are.
If a small amount of our regular readers became subscribers on Subscribestar, we'd have enough funding to no longer be dependent on annoying Google ads cluttering your reading space and we will be protected against deplatforming. Will you subscribe on Subscribestar?