Twitter has gone through some troubling times. Right wing echo chambers have been cropping up by the thousands and left wing individuals have been rampantly censored. For a long while, prominent media outlets have sought to uncover the truth behind this sinister behaviour. Now we know why, and it’s something we never thought possible. It turns out that Twitter Ceo Jack Dorsey was in fact a covert Russian agent all along…
These tweets sent out by Jack are concrete proof that he subscribes to the same intolerant, homophobic, racist, sexist worldviews as the treacherous tangerine sat devilishly smirking in the White House. No doubt this means the two are in league with eachother, and you know what that means. If Jack is friends with the orange overlord, then he must be allies with Putin too. It’s worth noting also that Jack was caught red handed by NPC Daily journalists plotting with Trump at the White House!
The moment this breaking news was revealed, all of our NPC Daily employees burst into tears. Cries of sorrow filled each and every safe space and cry closet. Vomit covered our floors and shaking journalists lay shaking in it. Even our safe space pets were lost for words. Jack was our hero, he betrayed us.
NPC Daily journalist Jared Michelle could sit crying no longer and decided to take action. With haste, he made his way to the Twitter headquarters to vigorously question the Russian spy. Here’s what he had to say:
I’m telling you I’ve been hacked! I’m not working for the bad orange man or his master I swear! Those Russian bots got to me and tried to ruin my good name! Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife has brought a couple of her boyfriends over so a bit of peace and quiet would be appreciated.
- Jack Dorsey, Twitter Ceo.
We don’t believe a word out of his mouth. Our photographic evidence proves that he’s indeed guilty of crimes against humanity. The more we delve into this Russian rabbit hole, the more we fear for safety. Welcome to Trump’s America, where your heroes could become the villain at the click of a finger.
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