Written by Neville Percival Croft
It goes without saying that Greta Thunberg is a beacon of wisdom in this era of darkness and villainy. She fights tirelessly to save this world from Trump’s plans to destroy it using weaponized climate change. While his motives for this are unclear, Greta’s genius methods of protesting, general complaining and angry scowls are sure to reveal them. However, her efforts have also revealed a horrible truth: climate change has ruined the lives of children across the globe!
We’re seeing the effects of ruined childhoods in every corner of society. Children are now forced to go out and #resist because of the Earthphobic policies of our governments. Many claim that they protest simply to get time off school, but we all know that’s just another alt-right dog whistle.
Even childhood staples such as Christmas has been ruined. With the complete annihilation of the ice caps, Santa Claus gave his life to rescue his disabled and gender non-conforming elves. Mrs Claus willingly drowned in a display of protest against Trump. Without Santa Claus, children no longer can enjoy Christmas and so have been advised by their all-knowing teachers and parents to spend the holiday season protesting instead.
You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. And yet I’m one of the lucky ones. People are suffering. People are dying. Entire ecosystems are collapsing. We are in the beginning of a mass extinction, and all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you!
- Greta Thunberg, voice of the Earth, climate change mastermind, the real Messiah.
On the bright side, I’ve created a very simple 10 step plan to solve the climate change problem and rescue childhoods across the world.
- Impeach and deport Trump immediately
- Elect Bernie Sanders as President to kick-start the socialist utopia the children dream of
- Put into place the green new deal
- Ban air travel
- Give Greta her rightly deserved Nobel peace prize
- Give the squad Nobel peace prizes too while we’re at it
- Ban cow farts
- Hand out more free stuff
- Send buckets of ice to the poles so that they can be used to repair them
- Make hate speech an offense punishable by death
Diversity is our strength.