Climate Change

Greta is right, climate change has already ruined the life of every child in the world

Climate change caused by Trump has made life unbearable for today's youths

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Written by Neville Percival Croft

It goes without saying that Greta Thunberg is a beacon of wisdom in this era of darkness and villainy. She fights tirelessly to save this world from Trump’s plans to destroy it using weaponized climate change. While his motives for this are unclear, Greta’s genius methods of protesting, general complaining and angry scowls are sure to reveal them. However, her efforts have also revealed a horrible truth: climate change has ruined the lives of children across the globe!

Greta bravely stares down the monster who eviscerated her childhood.

We’re seeing the effects of ruined childhoods in every corner of society. Children are now forced to go out and #resist because of the Earthphobic policies of our governments. Many claim that they protest simply to get time off school, but we all know that’s just another alt-right dog whistle.

Even childhood staples such as Christmas has been ruined. With the complete annihilation of the ice caps, Santa Claus gave his life to rescue his disabled and gender non-conforming elves. Mrs Claus willingly drowned in a display of protest against Trump. Without Santa Claus, children no longer can enjoy Christmas and so have been advised by their all-knowing teachers and parents to spend the holiday season protesting instead.

You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. And yet I’m one of the lucky ones. People are suffering. People are dying. Entire ecosystems are collapsing. We are in the beginning of a mass extinction, and all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you!

  • Greta Thunberg, voice of the Earth, climate change mastermind, the real Messiah.

On the bright side, I’ve created a very simple 10 step plan to solve the climate change problem and rescue childhoods across the world.

  1. Impeach and deport Trump immediately
  2. Elect Bernie Sanders as President to kick-start the socialist utopia the children dream of
  3. Put into place the green new deal
  4. Ban air travel
  5. Give Greta her rightly deserved Nobel peace prize
  6. Give the squad Nobel peace prizes too while we’re at it
  7. Ban cow farts
  8. Hand out more free stuff
  9. Send buckets of ice to the poles so that they can be used to repair them
  10. Make hate speech an offense punishable by death

Diversity is our strength.

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Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.

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