Climate Change

Democrats propose ban on gasoline

Woke proposal drafted by Greta Thunberg; All candidates pledge to make it law on their first day in office

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Let’s face facts: Greta Thunberg knows what is best for America. Her brilliance has captured America’s heart, and she has become the most popular climate expert in the world. The entire country, currently known as the United States of America, hangs on her every word and her poignant admonishments. Any adult who disagrees is a racist who doesn’t know science.

Let’s face facts: Greta Thunberg knows what is best for America. Her brilliance has captured America’s heart, and she has become the most popular climate expert in the world. The entire country, currently known as the United States of America, hangs on her every word and her poignant admonishments. Any adult who disagrees is a racist who doesn’t know science.

When Greta talks, America listens. When the woke 16-year old declared that she would address the United Nations, the world’s governing body, people lined up in New York to try to hear what was on Greta’s mind. Greta at the UN tickets became harder to come by than tickets to the Super Bowl.

When she spoke from her table, you could hear a pin drop.

“You Americans have destroyed the world. You stole my childhood. Shame on you!” the world’s leading intellectual declared, as the world hung on every word. “You drive cars that use gasoline, ignoring the existential threats! I had to come here on a yacht. I should be in school. Shame on all of you! Shame on you, shame on your cars and your gasoline! It must stop! Or we will all die right away!”

Greta submitted a sheet of off-white paper, with round dots (which fascists call “bullet points”) carefully written with carbon free, non-GMO crayons to the UN, that declared the following:

  1. Gasoline bad
  2. Orange Man bad
  3. America bad
  4. Bigger yacht next time!
  5. Disobey not!

Socialist Democratic Presidential candidates wasted no time in agreeing.
Bob “Beto” O’Rourke, wearing a Greta tee shirt, jumped in with both feet. “Let me be clear: I will ban gasoline, and we will take any gas that is already in cars right out of them with a government syphon. This gasoline problem started on August 14, 1619, when the first person of color was forced to pump gas and sell lottery tickets in a gas station for the man against his will. I have used gasoline that I bought on my parent’s gas card my whole life. I’m sorry. I’m also white. I suck and I’m sorry. “

Kamala Harris went a step further: “I’d take their gas on my first day in office. There will be no carbon emissions during my administration. If they don’t like it, they can see what happens. I’m not looking to hear complaints though. I’ll delete the twitter accounts of anyone who tries to illegally use gas.”

Corey Booker, who many forget is still running, went one more step further: “Yes, I will ban gasoline. But we are forgetting pregnant transgender men of color here. They have suffered from American cars using gasoline more than anyone. I would ban gas and pay for three free abortions for every transgendered man of color.”

Elizabeth Warren pressed even harder: “Look, I fight for working families. Gas companies make profits, so they are evil. When the white man came here he stole our land. And now he must pay! Gas will be banned!”

Bernie Sanders, the legendary Vermont socialist Senator quelled anticipated blowback from Trump supporters: “Look it, people bitch about this and that about socialism, like shortage of food, gas, yada, yada, yada. This is a revolution. So, no gas, no gas lines, no problem. I’m still gonna get where I need to get.”

As you can imagine, the Flat-Earther-in-Chief disagreed: “You have got to be shitting me! No one will be able to get to work, shop for food or anything else!” tweeted the orange bigot.

NPC Daily will be following this ground-breaking idea.

Stay tuned!

Diversity is our strength.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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