Written by Neville Percival Croft
Heartbreaking news, comrades; tragedy has befallen America’s best chance for the socialist utopia we’ve all been dreaming of. Unfortunately Comrade Sanders has suffered a heart attack and is undergoing treatment, meaning that his chances of winning the nomination are now much slimmer.
With all hope seemingly lost, I and many like-minded individuals have tumbled into the chasms of despair and misery. Our dreams are shattered, our ability to #resist diminishing. All across America, thousands of cry closets, safety blankets, and recovery rooms are filled to capacity with inconsolable persyns. Supplies of safe space pets are growing increasingly limited and demand vastly exceeds supply.
As tears of anguish and desperation drench the country, one brave millennial has made it clear that he is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to ensure Bernie Sanders is able to fulfill his promises and deliver the socialist society that the founding fathers originally had in mind. Jared Michelle, famous for donating his testicles to the Bernie Sanders campaign (link to article), is now going one step further by donating his very own heart!
I’m still shaking after hearing the news. My theyfriend Sharon and I were unable to enter our safe space as our rather aggressive cat Castro had occupied it. We searched far and wide and were allowed into our friend Tristan Soysworth’s safe space. There he said someone should donate their heart to Bernie to save the world. With no choice I wiped the tears from my eyes and accepted this immense responsibility. Marx have mercy on my soul.
- Jared Michelle, easily the bravest millennial on the planet.
All of his expenses are being paid by NPC Daily. If all goes well at the surgery then Bernie Sanders should be back in great shape and ready to crush the orange patriarchy in no time. We wish both Jared and Bernie a speedy recovery.
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