by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer
Researchers at Oxford University’s Department of Physics are seeking to remove orange from the visible light spectrum.
“Countless scientific case studies conducted by our sociology department have demonstrated our student body to be extremely triggered by the colour orange, which is why we have elected to remove it from their field of vision entirely,” says Nora Poppy Clutterbuck, Dean of Diversity & Inclusion. “We want our students to know that we are here, we are listening, and that everything is going to be all right.”
Earlier this year the university banned clapping to protect differently-abled students from sensory overload. While this measure was well received by the student body as a whole, some have argued that the administration has not been taking their concerns seriously enough.
“Cambridge banned Jordan Peterson from its campuses. I don’t see why we haven’t done the same. I get that Jeremy Corbyn has promised to ban him from the UK altogether, but the election is a whole four days away!”
- Nan Petunia Croquetbottom, political science major
While of critics of this upcoming scientific breakthrough have been numerous — the entire physics department save for the student researchers assigned to the project have reportedly resigned in protest — Mx. Clutterbuck offers her assurance that progress will NOT be impeded by the prejudices of the few.
“Giordano Bruno and Galileo Galilei were met with a fair bit of naysaying in their time, weren’t they? But no one could keep Bruno from his research, and every British schoolchild has heard the tale of Galileo and his apple.”
Oxford clearly remains the bastion of academic enlightenment and cultural enrichment that it was when Hooke & Boyle walked its halls. Only now it caters more to the likes of Emma Watson and Pete Buttigieg. Surely this deserves a round of jazz hands, because diversity is our strength.
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