Culture

Oxford physicists seek to remove orange from the visible light spectrum

The rainbow should NOT be inclusive of such a triggering color

by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer

Researchers at Oxford University’s Department of Physics are seeking to remove orange from the visible light spectrum.

“Countless scientific case studies conducted by our sociology department have demonstrated our student body to be extremely triggered by the colour orange, which is why we have elected to remove it from their field of vision entirely,” says Nora Poppy Clutterbuck, Dean of Diversity & Inclusion. “We want our students to know that we are here, we are listening, and that everything is going to be all right.”

Earlier this year the university banned clapping to protect differently-abled students from sensory overload. While this measure was well received by the student body as a whole, some have argued that the administration has not been taking their concerns seriously enough.

“Cambridge banned Jordan Peterson from its campuses. I don’t see why we haven’t done the same. I get that Jeremy Corbyn has promised to ban him from the UK altogether, but the election is a whole four days away!”

  • Nan Petunia Croquetbottom, political science major

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While of critics of this upcoming scientific breakthrough have been numerous — the entire physics department save for the student researchers assigned to the project have reportedly resigned in protest — Mx. Clutterbuck offers her assurance that progress will NOT be impeded by the prejudices of the few.

Giordano Bruno and Galileo Galilei were met with a fair bit of naysaying in their time, weren’t they? But no one could keep Bruno from his research, and every British schoolchild has heard the tale of Galileo and his apple.”

Oxford clearly remains the bastion of academic enlightenment and cultural enrichment that it was when Hooke & Boyle walked its halls. Only now it caters more to the likes of Emma Watson and Pete Buttigieg. Surely this deserves a round of jazz hands, because diversity is our strength.

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Nigel P. Crustingham

Nigel P. Crustingham was born into white privilege, the son of Marchioness Fionnula Tambling-Goggin (heiress to the immense Pemberton-Trickelbucket fortune) and Count Rutherford Periwinkle Crustingham (rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of former Prime Minister Arthur "Neville" Chamberlain). Raised in the moors by the governess he affectionately dubbed "Aunt Paki", Nigel began advocating on behalf of oppressed minorities at an early age. When he was nine years old he ordered the kitchen staff to prepare a special menu for the black African servants, whom he viewed as the most oppressed. It warmed his heart to see the looks in their eyes when they realized they would be feasted night after night on naught but the ethnic delicacies of their homeland: fried chicken and chitterlings, orange jello and lemon jello. It was then Nigel realized he had discovered his calling. While met with limited success in his attempt to get his father to turn over his personal fortune to the Ugandan government by way of slavery reparations, he did manage to convince his cousin Madeline to follow her heart and elope with that handsome Syrian fellow she'd met online. Initially intent on pursuing a lucrative career in transgender BIPOC studies at the illustrious Oxford University, the groundbreaking investigative reporting of Rachel Maddow prompted Nigel to switch his major to journalism. He came to work for NPC Daily after a brief stint with the BBC, during which he was instrumental in getting Sargon of Akkad (not his real name) and Count Dankula (not a real count) banned from Discord. Nigel dreams of eradicating the middle class to pave the way for a brighter future in which the poors will own nothing and be blissfully happy. Everything on this site is satire.

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