It’s no secret that video games are weaponised as a tool to corrupt young minds. Now more than ever in history, we are seeing levels of violence once thought unimaginable. The cause: video games. Our revered journalists have already explored frightening games like the use of Minecraft to indoctrinate children into becoming literal Nazis and how Pokémon encourages children to own slaves.
However, another more elusive game has escaped our progressive lenses: Roblox. What you are about to read contains untold suffering, so please keep your emergency inhalers and safety pictures of Karl Marx at the ready.
As a journalist, it is my sworn duty to spread the truth. Like a knight in shining armour, I will defend it to the bitter end, without exceptions. Today, I tell the truth about Roblox and the outrageous experience I had playing it. I booted up the game on my Xbox with my comrade colleagues. For a good hour, we delved into the list of games to find one suitable to us. Many of these games shook us to the core including ones such as “Gun Simulator” and the many capitalist “Tycoon” games.
Eventually we came across a game called “Journalist Safe Space” by a creator named “The_Trumpinator2016”. Thrilled to see a safe space, we dreamed of all the avocado-kale soyshakes we would drink and the continuous Amy Schumer comedy shows we would indulge our genius minds in. Little did we realise how far from a safe space it was.
Upon entering this game, we discovered that there were no unicorns or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez statues or even charming photos of Comrade Corbyn. To our shock, we found ourselves in a concentration camp built by the Trump regime. There were images of the orange nuisance everywhere and a towering wall could be seen in the distance. Desperate players wearing sombreros were climbing it, only to fall to their dooms along the way. A sign saying “Trump’s summer camp, libtards welcome” was hung at the entrance. I was consumed with disbelief.
Players dressed in KKK robes herded us to a building and forced us to manufacture MAGA hats. All the while we cried and begged them to stop. Continuous loops of Trump speeches played in the background, piercing our sensitive ears like daggers. My dear friend Jared Michelle ended up screaming into the mic, clearly in a horrific sensory overload. The Nazis were without mercy and chanted “this is MAGA camp” in our ears.
Once we had made a thousand red hats of horror, we were taken to a shooting range and executed one by one. I literally couldn’t even. The worst part was that the players gleefully shredding us with their AK 47s were children, laughing as they gunned down each journalist. Righteously, I smashed my fascist Xbox to pieces and retreated to the comfort of my cry closet. Never before have I witnessed such villainy.
Roblox needs banning. If not for me then for my therapist, who has been holding emergency sessions on a near-hourly basis. As journalists, we silence hate, so it’s time for us to silence Roblox. #BanRoblox.
If a small amount of our regular readers became subscribers on Subscribestar, we'd have enough funding to no longer be dependent on annoying Google ads cluttering your reading space and we will be protected against deplatforming. Will you subscribe on Subscribestar?