An intense two-hour standoff has ended with Santa Claus and three of his elves being taken into federal custody.
FBI agents descended upon the North Pole early Tuesday morning to execute federal arrest warrants against Santa and two workshop employees. The trio had been indicted on a variety of charges involving the illegal surveillance of minor children after Santa’s entire Facebook Messenger history was leaked to the Department of Justice by an anonymous whistleblower.
Bushy Evergreen, head toymaker, and Alabaster Snowball, administrator of The List, stand credibly accused alongside Santa of illegally wiretapping children’s toys and harvesting personal data about their families.
“We think he’s been trying to set himself up as a competitor to Facebook in that regard,” a source within the DOJ told our Washington correspondent, “what with Amazon gobbling up the toy market”.
But when federal agents showed up to Santa’s Workshop on Christmas Eve, they were woefully underprepared. Armed with AR-15 assault rifles, Santa and his security chief Pepper Mintstix opened fire upon the agents. An elf by the name of Sugarplum Mary was killed in the crossfire after Santa attempted to use her as a human shield, and four reindeer lost their lives when the fugitives tried to escape via Santa’s sleigh. Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen have been confirmed dead, and the whereabouts of Rudolph are currently unknown.
Santa and his helpers are expected to face additional charges of first degree murder along with kidnapping and human trafficking, as investigators have since learned that many of these so-called workshop “elves” are in fact missing and exploited children.
He sees them when they’re sleeping, he knows when they’re awake. He threatens them to “watch out”, “don’t cry or pout” in order to extort desired behaviors. Santa is essentially grooming them, and for God only knows what. • Department of Justice Spokespersyn Kerri Kupec
Our hearts go out to Santa’s victims and their families, and we wish all of our readers a Happy Chanukah now that Christmas has been canceled.
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