Culture

San Francisco 49ers announce open bathrooms for NFL playoffs

Bathroom segregation struck down by woke NFL team

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Its time to face facts: gender discrimination in public bathrooms is a national scar. Forcing people to choose between “Men’s Rooms” and “Women’s Rooms” is obviously racist, and this Jim Crow type discrimination is a result of Trump and his right wing supporters.

A nation turned its lonely eyes to San Francisco to solve this potty dilemma, and San Francisco delivered yet again! “Our bathrooms will be all-inclusive, all-accessible for the NFL playoffs”, announced a team exec. “Love wins, not Trump!” explained the brave insider.

“This is a somber moment, and one we don’t take lightly”, explained the 49ers most prominent fan: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “In San Francisco, people poop where they want to poop. They are free to do their business as they like, not like Trump wants. Restrictions on pooping are all President Trump’s fault. You know who else wanted men and women to poop separately? That’s right: literally Hitler!” the speaker explained over a glass of stadium wine.

“People can just drop their draws and poop wherever they like, in the aisles, in their seat, wherever. This isn’t Russia!” explained a team spokesperson of color. “We have torn down stall doors so everything will be right out in the open. No more body shaming people who are just dropping a cable, if you will. If you don’t like it, you can hold it bigot!”

NPC Daily asked if there are bathrooms equipped with baby changing stations. “Absolutely not! baby changing stations are like putting children in cages. We will have emergency abortion on demand stations. If the child gets out of hand, simply report to the Planned Parenthood abortion stations then enjoy the second half of the game. And any in-game abortions will be paid for by Obama Care.”

To launch this stunning and brave new program, which is a bandwagon the rest of the NFL will surely jump on, the 49ers will have a ceremonial first poop, which will be dropped by California congressperson of white Eric Swalwell. “I’m honored, I’m literally shaking at the opportunity to poop in front of millions”, gushed Swalwell. “He’s shown he can shart with the best; we want this ceremony to really demonstrate what San Francisco is all about.” explained a source.

Follow NPC Daily for a livestream of this historic event!

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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