BREAKING: Articles of Impeachment are missing.
We have all waited every day for Trump to leave office since he was impeached. Because Trump is bad he won’t just leave quietly. It is obvious that he just wants to hang around to start a few new wars with totally innocent Middle Eastern countries.
Fortunately for all progressive American socialists, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, has prayerfully taken control of Trump’s impeachment and removal from office.
But a new glitch in the process, thanks no doubt to Trump’s poor sportsmanship, has arisen.
“The Speaker can’t find the Articles of Impeachment to send over to the Senate.” confided an insider. “We are all literally shaking. This took us almost three years to accomplish. They’re saying we can’t use photocopies, which is literally racist.”
Speaker Pelosi issued a terse message about the issue: “The articles are not really lost (the Speaker made air quotes for the word “lost”) because some one knows where they are. This is obviously Trump’s doing and we will start a brand new impeachment inquiry in Adam Schiff’s basement lair to get to the bottom of it. We are inviting anonymous whistleblowers to come forward and tell us Trump took the articles off my kitchen counter, which is the last place I remember seeing them. The evidence will be uncontroverted of Trump’s guilt.” The woke Speaker shot the press corps the red eye and finished by saying “No questions. If you have questions go ask Trump and Pence the questions. they obviously know where these important articles are.” The Speaker crossed herself and stormed off the stage.
The house late night cleaning team disavowed any knowledge of the articles of impeachment location, as did Madame Speaker’s manager of domestic help at her primary mansion in San Francisco. An insider revealed “Look, if any one has these articles they can drop it by the House of Representatives’ Lost and Found; no questions asked.”
Special investigator and late night funnyman Jimmy Kimmel will be appointed by the House Intelligence committee to prepare a report and a monologue for the next wave of impeachment hearings.
Trump dismissed the matter with a bigoted uncaring tweet: “Maybe she’ll find it when she sobers up” tweeted the Orangeman in chief.
Stay tuned to NPC Daily for updates. This is a somber moment. Diversity is our strength.