Donald Trump brought us to the brink of global catastrophe this week with the assassination of a high-ranking Iranian statesman and several innocent bystanders.
Contrary to Republican talking points, General Qasam Soleimani had nothing to do with the recent climate change protest outside the U.S. embassy in Baghdad, nor with the 2012 protest at the Libyan embassy. Soleimani posed no danger to U.S. forces, and there most certainly was no “imminent threat”.
Rather, Soleimani had been a vocal critic of the Trump administration — particularly where foreign policy was concerned — and it was for this reason he was murdered. Sources within the White House say Trump even insisted upon operating the killer drone himself, which has many of his political opponents worrying which of them might be next.
With all of Iran in mourning — indeed Qatar and Lebanon as well, for the beloved general had friends throughout the Middle East — Grand Ayatollah Khamenei was left with little option but to retaliate, as his people were demanding justice.
All of social media knew World War Three lay right around the corner, and that there was just no stopping this bad orange man now that blood was in the water.
But then Michael Moore made an Instagram post that would change the course of history:
Moore knew the Ayatollah to be a devoted fan of his podcast, and he sought to put his celebrity to use as a force for good (as is ever his habit) by negotiating a ceasefire on behalf of his country.
The two respected influencers were eventually able to come to terms, which culminated in Moore formally surrendering via Twitter, thereby saving the Earth (as is ever his habit) from nuclear armageddon.
NPC Daily salutes Michael Moore, his podcast, and the Grand Ayatollah Khamenei. We will henceforth be flying an Iranian flag outside our main office in a show of solidarity with these two brave, peace-loving individuals.
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