Culture

Meghan Markle granted asylum in Canada after fleeing racist UK

The Duchess of Sussex relocates to a more tolerant nation

by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer

After fleeing the overt racism and intolerance of the British people, The Duchess of Sussex has relocated to the only Western nation that is safe for minorities these days — Canada.

Upon her arrival the duchess was warmly received by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who greeted her with a konnichiwa and a Hawaiian lei before exchanging the breath of life with her in the traditional Maori fashion.

The hongi is a traditional Maori greeting.

Trudeau then apologized on behalf of the Royal Family for how horribly she’d been treated and gently reassured the duchess that the Canadian taxpayers would be delighted to pick up the tab for her and her husband’s living expenses.

The Duchess of Sussex expressed her appreciation for the generosity of the Canadian people with a stiff nod and a lecture on white privilege. The Prime Minister then apologized on behalf of all white people and proceeded to drag the duchess’s luggage out to the attending limousine, repeating the apology in French after his second trip.

READ: Conservatives are mad because Justin Trudeau has more class and style than Trump ever will

NPC Daily is delighted the Duchess of Sussex has found sanctuary in Canada. The Canadian legal system is famously progressive, and the duchess’s gender, racial identity, and refugee status entitle her to all sorts of special protections.

Fans of Meghan Markle may rest easy knowing that the nasty old Queen Biddy cannot hurt her anymore.

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Nigel P. Crustingham

Nigel P. Crustingham was born into white privilege, the son of Marchioness Fionnula Tambling-Goggin (heiress to the immense Pemberton-Trickelbucket fortune) and Count Rutherford Periwinkle Crustingham (rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of former Prime Minister Arthur "Neville" Chamberlain). Raised in the moors by the governess he affectionately dubbed "Aunt Paki", Nigel began advocating on behalf of oppressed minorities at an early age. When he was nine years old he ordered the kitchen staff to prepare a special menu for the black African servants, whom he viewed as the most oppressed. It warmed his heart to see the looks in their eyes when they realized they would be feasted night after night on naught but the ethnic delicacies of their homeland: fried chicken and chitterlings, orange jello and lemon jello. It was then Nigel realized he had discovered his calling. While met with limited success in his attempt to get his father to turn over his personal fortune to the Ugandan government by way of slavery reparations, he did manage to convince his cousin Madeline to follow her heart and elope with that handsome Syrian fellow she'd met online. Initially intent on pursuing a lucrative career in transgender BIPOC studies at the illustrious Oxford University, the groundbreaking investigative reporting of Rachel Maddow prompted Nigel to switch his major to journalism. He came to work for NPC Daily after a brief stint with the BBC, during which he was instrumental in getting Sargon of Akkad (not his real name) and Count Dankula (not a real count) banned from Discord. Nigel dreams of eradicating the middle class to pave the way for a brighter future in which the poors will own nothing and be blissfully happy. Everything on this site is satire.

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