Space Force prioritizes saving money over saving lives, say critics of new uniforms

They cannot survive in open space wearing standard military fatigues

The United States Space Force created quite an uproar on Twitter with the shocking revelation that its uniforms would be standard military issue rather than a material that would allow our space troops to survive under the extreme conditions of outer space.

Temperatures in space vary wildly and can reach lows of negative 454.75 degrees Fahrenheit — far too cold for someone wearing a simple nylon-and-cotton blend, even if they were to throw on a sweater.

Nor will such a fabric provide our soldiers adequate protection from solar radiation — which is really neither here nor there, for in the absence of any traditional spacesuit, the lack of pressure will cause their blood to boil, and thus our brave intergalactic warriors will expire in a matter of seconds.

Blue checkmarks were also quick to call out the pattern that had been selected for these uniforms — green and brown — which would hardly allow our soldiers to blend in with the external environment. In sum, the brave men, womxyzn, and greysexual novigenders of the United States Space Force will all spend their final moments of consciousness as floating targets for malevolent extraterrestrials armed to the tentacles with phasers and lasers and tasers.

And Republicans have the nerve to claim Obama didn’t support the troops.

NPC Daily reached out to the Space Force to ask how DARE they be so callous when HUMAN LIVES are at stake, only to be told that they FOUND IT UNNECESSARY to devote taxpayer money to the redesigning and production of new uniforms. (Can you literally even?!)

There you have it — in typical Trumpian fashion, this was all about money. Hillary would have sprung for proper spacesuits. Hillary won the popular vote too.

Staff Writer

One of our wage slave writers contracted with NPC Daily. Repeat after me - orange man bad. Everything on this site is satire.
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