Culture

J.K. Rowling demands equal representation for mermaids, cyclopes, and other fantastic creatures

New study reveals widespread disenfranchisement and vaccine-induced sociopathy

by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer

A groundbreaking new study has revealed that contrary to the research previously put forth by celebrities such as Jenny McCarthy, vaccines are in fact turning our children (and our partners’ children) into left-handed, green-eyed sociopaths.

Furthermore, mermaids, cyclopes, and giants are significantly more common than persyns of non-binary, which has social justice activists such as J.K. Rowling demanding greater parliamentary representation for fantastical creatures.

In an open letter to the House of Commons, Mx. Rowling wrote:

“One persyn in 80,000 is a mermaid. There are currently 650 of you representing an average of 92,000 constituents apiece, which works out to approximately 1.15 mermaids for every 90,850 non-mermaids.

“If my arithmetic is correct, equality demands that the mermaid vote be given 79,000 times the weight of the non-mermaid vote. Anything less would be massively racist.”

READ: J.K. Rowling reveals that Ron Weasley was transgender the whole time

NPC Daily applauds Mx. Rowling for her advocacy. Rumors of her bigotry are clearly unfounded, and the seemingly transphobic tweet that landed her in so much trouble should be interpreted as a means of spreading awareness about far more pressing issues of oppression.

(For the full study, click here)

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Nigel P. Crustingham

Nigel P. Crustingham was born into white privilege, the son of Marchioness Fionnula Tambling-Goggin (heiress to the immense Pemberton-Trickelbucket fortune) and Count Rutherford Periwinkle Crustingham (rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of former Prime Minister Arthur "Neville" Chamberlain). Raised in the moors by the governess he affectionately dubbed "Aunt Paki", Nigel began advocating on behalf of oppressed minorities at an early age. When he was nine years old he ordered the kitchen staff to prepare a special menu for the black African servants, whom he viewed as the most oppressed. It warmed his heart to see the looks in their eyes when they realized they would be feasted night after night on naught but the ethnic delicacies of their homeland: fried chicken and chitterlings, orange jello and lemon jello. It was then Nigel realized he had discovered his calling. While met with limited success in his attempt to get his father to turn over his personal fortune to the Ugandan government by way of slavery reparations, he did manage to convince his cousin Madeline to follow her heart and elope with that handsome Syrian fellow she'd met online. Initially intent on pursuing a lucrative career in transgender BIPOC studies at the illustrious Oxford University, the groundbreaking investigative reporting of Rachel Maddow prompted Nigel to switch his major to journalism. He came to work for NPC Daily after a brief stint with the BBC, during which he was instrumental in getting Sargon of Akkad (not his real name) and Count Dankula (not a real count) banned from Discord. Nigel dreams of eradicating the middle class to pave the way for a brighter future in which the poors will own nothing and be blissfully happy. Everything on this site is satire.

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