World Events

Tories ban non-British immigrants from immigrating to Britain

New immigration policy requires prospective immigrants to be British

by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer

Home Secretary Priti Patel has announced a new points-based immigration system that she claims will “open up Britain to the British once again”.

The new system will effectively put an end to all non-domestic immigration, as it requires prospective immigrants to have been born on the British mainland.

SOURCE: The Guardian

Mx. Patel was swiftly denounced by Labour for her racism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and gingerphobia, calling her plan “a violation of everything our party stands for”.

Some fear that this is only the first step towards rounding up and deporting all first, second, and third-generation immigrants, as it is rumored that a man at a dinner party once claimed to have been told by a journalist that another journalist had an anonymous source who’d overheard the Home Secretary declare her hatred of literally all immigrants everywhere, their children, and their children’s children.

Protesters are expected to protest.

NPC Daily reached out to the Home Office to inquire what the new immigration system would mean for the people of Northern Ireland, only to be told that there are no more people of Northern Ireland, having been genocided by their southern neighbors post-Brexit.

“Angela Merkel and her EU Army simply could not reach them in time,” the Home Office employee remarked under condition of anonymity. “But you can rest assured the F├╝hrerin will be there to liberate their potatoes — unless Priti Patel gets there first.”

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Nigel P. Crustingham

Nigel P. Crustingham was born into white privilege, the son of Marchioness Fionnula Tambling-Goggin (heiress to the immense Pemberton-Trickelbucket fortune) and Count Rutherford Periwinkle Crustingham (rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of former Prime Minister Arthur "Neville" Chamberlain). Raised in the moors by the governess he affectionately dubbed "Aunt Paki", Nigel began advocating on behalf of oppressed minorities at an early age. When he was nine years old he ordered the kitchen staff to prepare a special menu for the black African servants, whom he viewed as the most oppressed. It warmed his heart to see the looks in their eyes when they realized they would be feasted night after night on naught but the ethnic delicacies of their homeland: fried chicken and chitterlings, orange jello and lemon jello. It was then Nigel realized he had discovered his calling. While met with limited success in his attempt to get his father to turn over his personal fortune to the Ugandan government by way of slavery reparations, he did manage to convince his cousin Madeline to follow her heart and elope with that handsome Syrian fellow she'd met online. Initially intent on pursuing a lucrative career in transgender BIPOC studies at the illustrious Oxford University, the groundbreaking investigative reporting of Rachel Maddow prompted Nigel to switch his major to journalism. He came to work for NPC Daily after a brief stint with the BBC, during which he was instrumental in getting Sargon of Akkad (not his real name) and Count Dankula (not a real count) banned from Discord. Nigel dreams of eradicating the middle class to pave the way for a brighter future in which the poors will own nothing and be blissfully happy. Everything on this site is satire.

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