by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer
Home Secretary Priti Patel has announced a new points-based immigration system that she claims will “open up Britain to the British once again”.
The new system will effectively put an end to all non-domestic immigration, as it requires prospective immigrants to have been born on the British mainland.
Mx. Patel was swiftly denounced by Labour for her racism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and gingerphobia, calling her plan “a violation of everything our party stands for”.
Some fear that this is only the first step towards rounding up and deporting all first, second, and third-generation immigrants, as it is rumored that a man at a dinner party once claimed to have been told by a journalist that another journalist had an anonymous source who’d overheard the Home Secretary declare her hatred of literally all immigrants everywhere, their children, and their children’s children.
Protesters are expected to protest.
NPC Daily reached out to the Home Office to inquire what the new immigration system would mean for the people of Northern Ireland, only to be told that there are no more people of Northern Ireland, having been genocided by their southern neighbors post-Brexit.
“Angela Merkel and her EU Army simply could not reach them in time,” the Home Office employee remarked under condition of anonymity. “But you can rest assured the Führerin will be there to liberate their potatoes — unless Priti Patel gets there first.”
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