Joe Biden’s Social Distancing Tips

It's time to restore decency to the White House. Biden knows a thing or two about keeping his distance.

Let’s face it – only Joe Biden can be counted on to tackle the big issues facing America, like “social distancing”, which is process encouraged by leading health officials to stop the spread of the C_%1- virus. (The name of the virus itself is literally racist, so we won’t spell it out here and play into Trump’s hands).

At NPC Daily, we wanted to know how the next leader of the world will handle these types of issues, all of which are a result of Trump’s bigotry. We caught up to Vice President Biden at a local playground where he was energizing a small group of young supporters.

NPC Daily: Thanks for taking the time Mr. Vice President. I know you’re busy defeating Trump.

Joe: Call me Joe! I’m from Scranton, PA! Kids, stop the carousel I need to speak with this grown up I’ll be right back!

NPC Daily: Sorry to interrupt Joe. We wanted to get your take on “social distancing”, and whether its a good thing or a bad thing.

Joe: Look, I get it. But the fact of the matter is, we need to defeat Donald Trump to save the soul of the nation. Shit, recess is almost over.

NPC Daily: Well put Joe. Is the virus Trump’s fault?

Joe: Duh! You bet it is. I was with Barack for 8 years and we never had any of this kind of health … Affordable Care and Common Core, I’m the one who got that done.

NPC Daily: What does “social distancing” mean to you?

Joe: I never said that. If you have a video of me saying that its fake… viral fake. You should get your facts straight, maybe learn to code.

NPC Daily: We didn’t say that you said that sir. We are asking what you think of it?

Joe: Look, I get it. I’ve been social distancing for 50 years, 8 of them with Barack. I’ll take away your AR-14 with 100 rounds stuffed into it. And Paris Peace … thing. Who are you with again?

NPC: NPC Daily sir.

Joe: I beat the NBA, the what do you call them… gun people bad. Are you a Mexican? Get in here for a bro hug Ese!

NPC: Thank you sir. Is a bro hug ok from a social distancing standpoint?

Joe: Look, let me be clear, I never said that. Any one who says I did is full of shit, and we can step out back and I’ll slap them. I’ll wrestle them naked. I have hairy legs. I mean it. I beat the NRA and got the Paris Peace thing signed by reaching across the aisle.

NPD: We appreciate you answering our questions. During the Swine Flu, you encouraged people not to travel. Is this new racist virus different that the swine flu?

Joe: The only people that ask that don’t understand science or facts. Look, love wins man. I’m here to encourage young people and to restore democracy. I want ice cream. I’m not going to stop touching people, showing them that a real President knows how to hug, kiss, or give a quick back or shoulder rub to help a fellow person. It’s racist not to. My number one tip is stop this racist Trump policy and let as many Chinese people come here that want to. Americans, especially white ones, should be kissing random Asian people every day. I’m being serious. The ice cream man is here. I used to be an ice cream man, I fought crime as an inner city ice cream man. I know about cockroaches.

NPC Daily: We won’t keep you from the ice cream man sir. It looks like a long line.

Joe: And Uncle Joe is buying kids!!!!

NPC Daily appreciates Joe Biden’s answers on the subject of social distancing. It takes a tough man to answer tough questions. There is no one tougher than Joe Biden. And he is sharp as a tack. Diversity is our strength. Orange man bad.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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