Since the dawn of fashion, humyn beings have sought to express themselves by pulchrifying their private parts. In Elizabethian times, ladies wore pubic wigs. During the Nixonian era, they resembled grizzly bears. In current year, womxyzn of all genders are styling their pubic hair to promote causes they support.
Proponents of journalistic excellence are shaping their pubic hair in bold and creative new ways to stand in solidarity with the crème de la crème of humanity — journalists — who are at once the most privileged and downtrodden among us by virtue of the trust they engender and the vicious attacks they are forced to endure from the current White House occupant and his online bot network.
“I was so moved by the tears of Brian Stelter that I shaved my balls in homage to his male-pattern balding. What a hard (yet inspiring!) thirty-four years that man has lived.”
- Cenk Uyger, aspiring journalist
Whereas once superheroes were regarded as the “gods of modern mythology”, that mantle now rightly belongs to members of the approved journalism community — the difference being that the stories we tell and often star in are one hundred percent true.
An approved journalist must keep abreast of the currently correct linguistic terminology while standing ready to denounce problematic and outmoded words — particularly those that have been perverted into hatespeak by the intolerant, authoritarian right.
A journalist must possess the mental acuity to simultaneously accept two contradictory propositions and the integrity to reject the dogmatism of “objective reality” so that ze may critically re-examine past events through the dynamic lens of intersectionality.
A journalist is someone who supports our military’s peacekeeping missions abroad and understands that liberty left unchecked is oppression. Ze must possess the wisdom to know which facts will lead you to the appropriate conclusions and the moral courage to determine which are better off discarded.
Journalism is NOT for the faint of heart, and the brave souls who assume the awesome responsibility of re-educating and enlightening the masses deserve the full moral (and financial) support of the public at large.
Which is why Journalist Excellence Worldwide — the world’s premier journalism advocacy group — has released this gorgeous template to assist mainstream media enthusiasts in signaling their support.
Simply program the above image into your 3-D printer, and be sure to use some sort of biodegradable material (such as styrofoam) in lieu of plastic. Then apply the stencil to the skin and wax/pluck/laser away!
Thank you, Journalist Excellence Worldwide. Now I can DM unsolicited photographs of my genitals to underage girls and know that I am doing it for a just and noble cause.
- Anthony Weiner (D), former congressional representative
“It’s been a few years since I’ve seen my genitals, but maybe Joe will want one of these things for his legs.”
- Jerry Nadler (D), chairman of the House Judiciary committee
**By using this template you agree to pay a monthly licensing fee and consent to having images of your genitals used for promotional purposes by Journalist Excellence Worldwide and associated properties. See JournalistEW.com for details. For inquiries regarding the legality of this arrangement or if you have received a final notice of outstanding payment, contact Lawyer Andy Kuntz on Twitter.
Lindsey Croft is an unpaid intern for NPC Daily and has her own pubic hair dyed lilac and groomed into a portrait of her cousin Neville Percival Croft, who lacks the requisite testosterone to cultivate pubes of xir own.