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“Victims” of Joe Biden’s gaffs and “assaults” are just sacrifices needed to be made for the greater good of his election

We should all forgive every mishap of Joe Biden if it means the downfall of Trump in 2020

As civilization has progressed, cultures have always deferred to the wisdom of those which came before them – the knowledge of ancestors containing kernels of timeless intelligence that enable us to continue being successful.

In these uncertain times of political upheaval and pandemic, I believe it is more important than ever to look to the past for guidance on our future.

Namely, we must look to the ancient Mayans and their custom of ritual human sacrifice.

I am tired of seeing Republicans, centrists, and communist Bernie bros attempt to degrade our democracy by dredging up any and every irrelevant, whimsical detail on the only viable candidate for President of the United States, Joe Biden.

In Ancient Maya, blood, bones, hearts, and heads were routinely offered as nourishment to the Gods. Bountiful harvests and clear-flowing rains would follow the summary disposal of a few needless prisoners. The Mayans, in their infinite acumen, understood that the proverbial omelet cannot be made without breaking a few proverbial eggs.

No one minded when Uncle Ixtzamanaaj went missing – it was part and parcel of keeping civilization going.

When the unsavory details of Joe Biden’s history continuously get used as a bludgeon against him, what I see are people who are unwilling to accept and do what it takes to ensure our society progresses.

I don’t care what Joe Biden did, does, or will do. Any wrongdoings must be taken as, more or less, a sacrifice lain at the stone mantel of the metaphorical Temple Xtoloc, and viewed as an offering to bring bountiful harvests and the defeat of our enemies.

So yes. I would suck Adolf Hitler’s shriveled micropenis while watching a cinematic supercut of Joe Biden sexually assaulting every man, woman, and child in America if it meant stopping Donald Trump. Just as I would immolate innumerable masses of farmers in a wicker man, or rip out the still-beating hearts of a prisoner of war and submit them to the Sun.

This is not difficult. This is history repeating itself.

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When NPC Daily gets an exceptional submission on the "submit an article page", it's posted from NPC Contributor. Everything on this site is satire.

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