Politics

Beware the Brexit Boogeyman: Dominic Cummings seen lurking on every street corner

Dominic Cummings sightings are up 31,120%

by Nigel P. Crustingham, staff writer

“Rules for thee but not for me!!” Brexit’s architect was heard to bellow yesterday afternoon, beating his bare chest in the middle of a public park which for privacy reasons cannot be identified. His face too was likewise bare as he flaunted social distancing guidelines in typical Tory fashion.

Dominic Cummings sightings have risen by several orders of magnitude since Monday’s press conference, where he had been expected to throw himself at the feet of the surrounding mob of OUTRAGED reporters and beg for Labour’s forgiveness — at which point he would have been ordered to promptly resign.

Yet Cummings did not do this, choosing instead to claim without evidence that he had done nothing wrong, despite it being plainly obvious to every journalist in attendance that yes, he had in fact done something wrong — and no, this isn’t about Brexit, thank you very much — then doubling down on his baseless claim by alleging that the media were lying about him breaking social distancing guidelines, even though it is quite clear to every principled Remainer that the exceptional circumstances clause allowing for sick parents to leave small children in the care of relatives does not apply to racist Brexiteers like Dominic Cummings.

Dominic Cummings is the scum of the Europeanunionverse and should ABSOLUTELY be forced to resign.

I for one intend to set aside a minimum of four hours each day (preferably after tea) in which to #BooForBoris until he does.

Really need a soy latte.

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Nigel P. Crustingham

Nigel P. Crustingham was born into white privilege, the son of Marchioness Fionnula Tambling-Goggin (heiress to the immense Pemberton-Trickelbucket fortune) and Count Rutherford Periwinkle Crustingham (rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of former Prime Minister Arthur "Neville" Chamberlain). Raised in the moors by the governess he affectionately dubbed "Aunt Paki", Nigel began advocating on behalf of oppressed minorities at an early age. When he was nine years old he ordered the kitchen staff to prepare a special menu for the black African servants, whom he viewed as the most oppressed. It warmed his heart to see the looks in their eyes when they realized they would be feasted night after night on naught but the ethnic delicacies of their homeland: fried chicken and chitterlings, orange jello and lemon jello. It was then Nigel realized he had discovered his calling. While met with limited success in his attempt to get his father to turn over his personal fortune to the Ugandan government by way of slavery reparations, he did manage to convince his cousin Madeline to follow her heart and elope with that handsome Syrian fellow she'd met online. Initially intent on pursuing a lucrative career in transgender BIPOC studies at the illustrious Oxford University, the groundbreaking investigative reporting of Rachel Maddow prompted Nigel to switch his major to journalism. He came to work for NPC Daily after a brief stint with the BBC, during which he was instrumental in getting Sargon of Akkad (not his real name) and Count Dankula (not a real count) banned from Discord. Nigel dreams of eradicating the middle class to pave the way for a brighter future in which the poors will own nothing and be blissfully happy. Everything on this site is satire.

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