Mx. Slatz had been dispatched by NPC Daily to cover the peaceful protests in New York and impartiality disseminate materials related to the Biden campaign.
Witnesses say Anna had only just begun handing out copies of the Mueller Report when Rudy Giuliani came up behind her and clubbed her over the head. Then undercover Navy SEALs began arresting all the white people and using their Krav Maga training to commit hate crimes against persyns of color.
“This is Krav Maga country!” one SEAL was heard to shout, ripping the arms off of somebody’s grandma and using them to pummel grandpa to death.
He was neither wearing a mask nor practicing proper social distancing measures.
The sole survivor of the carnage was a transpecies seven year old who managed to escape using the wings his mother’s theyfriend had surgically grafted to his spine.
He landed somewhere east of New Jersey and wasted no time in contacting Journalist Excellence Worldwide — the world’s premier journalist rights organization — which immediately alerted NPC Daily that our reporter had been abducted.
We reached out to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, hoping he might be of service given his younger, lesser brother happens to be a journalist. Yet we were informed rather curtly that he is in fact governor of New York state, not New York City, and that whatever might happen there — be it a violent uprising or the mass extermination of a few thousand old people — was entirely the fault of the current White House bunker occupant.
Mx. Slatz’s attorney Lawyer Andy Kuntz is reportedly feeling frustrated. Sources say he is looking into whether he can sue the federal government for emotional distress.
The precise whereabouts of Anna Slatz are currently unknown, but a random Internet user has suggested she may be destined for Guantanamo Bay, “where they do all them sexshual experiments on lizard people n shit”.
We’ll keep you posted on further developments.